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Tag Archives: journal

Still Waiting…

21 Jan

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I am still waiting. Yup, that’s right…I go from scanxiety to results-anxiety and it isn’t fun. I have to say that in my whole, almost 10 year history of PET scans and CT scans this is the longest I have waited for results. Typically I have gotten the results by the end of the next day, even if the next day was a Saturday but now it’s been 3 LONG days. The mind is a funny thing, it has the ability to take you down a bad path and your body actually feels it. In the past 3 days my thoughts have run the gamut from best case scenario to the worst and the longer I wait the more my mind and thoughts rollercoaster. It’s nuts. I have desperately been trying to occupy my mind on other things but it always comes back to the silence and the wondering. This weekend I have learned how to play the ukelele, have looked up different recipes in an attempt to meal plan for the week, I’ve read half of a book I just started, we went out with friends, I’ve been to the gym, and here I sit, tired from not sleeping well and staring at my phone with hopes that my doctor will call. I know, I know, I have no control over when those results will be done. Yeesh.

This past week I listened to Rob Bell (I know he’s controversial but he’s still interesting and makes you think) being interviewed on a podcast. He spoke about the time he had a concussion and could not process anything except the ‘now’. He said in that state of mind everything ‘now’ was beautiful, to the point that when his kids entered the room he would cry. That is mostly how I feel. Historically I’ve never really been a person who looks too far ahead; I never bought sale clothes at the end of the season for the following year, or clearance Christmas decor for the following year, etc. My reason would always be that I didn’t know where I’d be the following year, or what I’d be doing, or regarding clothes, what size I’d be the following year. Welp, cancer has magnified this trait of mine…everything is NOW. When I look at my kids or sometimes even think about them I cry. When there’s a beautiful sky, I tear up. Shoot, I can look at my dog and burst into tears at how beautiful and loving he is. I was speaking img_1191to a coworker a little about my grief and anxiety (which I really hadn’t felt to this extreme before) and he asked what made this time so different than the last few rounds with cancer. Outside the obvious ‘this time it’s stage 4’ I realized that I’m more anxious because right now my life is great; I have an amazing husband that brings me so much joy and laughter, my kids are great, I have great friends, I work with amazing people at a great company, everything is good and fun and peaceful and all I want is more time to rest in this good. I just want to rest here awhile…in the good. So I wait here in the good and (semi)patiently continue to trust in God’s plan.

‘I believe that a trusting attitude and a patient attitude go hand in hand. You see, when you let go and learn to trust God, it releases joy in your life. And when you trust God, you’re able to be more patient. Patience is not just about waiting for something… it’s about how you wait, or your attitude while waiting.’~Joyce Meyer

Today I wear Sephora Collection Lipstick in Yum Yum. I wanted to try one of these lipsticks by Sephora because of the packaging, it helps that they’re fairly inexpensive. This is a good color for everyday and I love the name..yum yum (plus it has chocolate chip cookies on the package). Cheers!

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Scanxiety

17 Jan

For the past few nights I haven’t been sleeping that well. I’ve also been waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares; nothing specific and not really monster/death dreams, but you know the ones, when you’re late for something important but your feet are like lead and can’t move or no matter how fast you’re packing it can never get done? Yup, I wake up anxious, sweating, and not being able to catch my breath. There’s a term in the cancer world that’s been thrown around a lot but I can’t ever remember feeling it (although I’m positive I probably have felt it)…scanxiety. It. is. Real. So real in fact, that it was written about in Time Magazine in 2011 and mentioned again on medscape.com last February (just a couple places among the many). Author Bruce Feiler refers to his scans as his ‘regular date with digital destiny’ to show whether his lung nodules had grown. He goes on to say, ‘Scans are like revolving doors, emotional roulette wheels that spin us around a few days and spit us out the other side.’ He’s right, my dreams and lack of sleep are from the emotional roulette of my upcoming scans only to end with some result which ‘starts the calendar again’ til the next one when you have metastatic disease. It is so strange because during my normal day I’m very conscious it’s time again and don’t feel super anxious about it, then night hits and the need to sleep hits, then…enough about that, by the end of the week I’ll be all done 🙂

In my quest for chasing joy this year I have started something different in my daily journaling life. I have started writing the absolute best part or parts about my day along with at least three things I’m grateful for. When I say the best part, I mean every single detail of why it was the best part of the day including full description of event(s), who I was with, what it was about, how it made me feel, etc. After reading back a week of events it did not fail to put a smile on my face. I would recommend this practice to everyone. One thing I am so grateful for and has been a part of some of my best events are friends. A beautiful thing this cancer life has opened my eyes to are the great people and great friends I am surrounded by; people who have stuck with me through not just cancer but divorce, raising teens, changing jobs, moving, etc. Friends who have not ceased to believe the best. I have met some of the greatest people and I don’t believe in coincidence. Friends are God’s special blessing and a really great friend is a soothing balm to the soul. If you remain heart and hand open and can be a good friend to those God has placed in your life you can still see the beauty of people and have hope despite this crazy world.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.’ ~H.Nouwen

I am unbelievably grateful to all those who I have crossed paths with for a lifetime or if even for a moment. We are all connected. Today I wear Fresh Sugar Lip treatment in sugar Berry. these are really pigmented lip balms that are super moisturizing. I chose this because it’s winter in Michigan and this helps keep lips moisturized and the color is perfect. Cheers!

In Between

20 Aug

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I have been doing something subconsciously for awhile now and just realized it. I’m pretty sure most of us do this with our lives. I realized that my life timeline over the past 9 years was self-defined by the times I had cancer. I would speak in terms of cancer 1, 2, or 3…’when I had cancer the first time…’ or ‘ that happened when I had cancer 3..’. I believe everyone does this. We look back at our lives and pinpoint specific times or events and build around that; when ‘Child A’ graduated high school, when ‘Child B’ started kindergarten, when I started the new job, etc. It’s ok but I think for me, if I let my subconscious live from event to event I’m afraid I may miss living the time in between those points. I don’t want definitions for time because I just want to live every day to the fullest. I think of my daughter graduating high school this upcoming school year and I can’t help but feel sad. Here’s the deal…I can think of all the ‘lasts’ and be sad until the day comes when she leaves and starts her journey away from home OR I can cherish every single moment I get to spend with her until then. I get to feel and be present for every smile, tear, disappointment, and joy ALL ALONG THE WAY letting go of any sadness or thoughts of ‘but she’s leaving for college soon’, that’s what I want and I believe honestly how we all should be living.

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(photo courtesy of Kensington Church)

This was truly my intention after being faced with cancer initially almost 10 years ago but as time passed, old habits along with the stresses of life plowed through and I forgot (note the word intention in my statement). No one is promised another day, EVER.  The difference between cancer or any illness vs a sudden car crash, heart attack, etc is that death and the lingering prospect of death sits on your shoulder every day. So what? No one can escape death but it’s such a weird topic to talk about. I want to talk life, life in the in-between. I feel so fortunate to be surrounded by great people and a man that loves me and brings me so much joy. I cannot think of a day that goes by without laughter in my home and it’s such a blessing. So here it is, Cancer 4. I will cry, kick, scream, and fight, but most of all I will live in the in-between with intention. I don’t want to miss a moment to feel and see and smell and touch; whatever the emotion I will be in it and accepting of it for the time whether it’s grief or joy. I don’t want to waste my time projecting into the future and let a second pass not fully engaged in the present. I will do my part and trust God’s plan, whatever His plan may be. Life is such a beautiful thing.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.’― Henry David Thoreau

This is still my lipstick journey but over the years I started slacking on wearing lipstick…I KNOW, RIGHT?? I have been wearing tinted lip balms, glosses on occasion, but more often than not I’ve been neglecting my beloved lipstick!! Well, NO MORE. This lipstick lovin girl is back. For the past few days I’ve put on lipstick in some brighter colors and I have forgotten how it can not only change your look but also change your mood.  So today I wear Aveda Nourish-mint Smoothing Lip Color in Cherrybud which is a brick red. This is the first Aveda lipstick I’ve tried and I really like it. It’s moisturizing, lasts a while, and is a little minty. I LOVE this color, it’s a warmer red so you can use it daily. Cheers!

 

Dad

17 Jun

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What is the difference between a father and a dad? Basically a father passes on his biology but a dad gives you his heart and his love. I have teens and as of late I have come to the conclusion with quite certainty that we as parents have to go through the teen years for a couple reasons. First, to be tortured and reminded that we are actually getting older, and second to remind us of how we were at their age and thus making us eternally grateful for the parents we have that tolerated us, what a cycle. So for my daddy, thank you…  dadlaugh

To the man who is the oldest of 7, the big brother and helper to his family, that married, had a child and decided to move his small family 8,304 miles away from home in hopes of creating a better life for his kids. To the man who makes us all laugh by laughing hard at the jokes he’s telling BEFORE getting to the punch line. To the one who gave me my love and appreciation for music by ‘air’ conducting the symphony in our family room; Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, and always humming or singing around the house or simply singing a response to your question. Who took us to music in the park on Belle Isle and brought me to my first musical and concert. Who taught me how to catch a baseball, shoot a basket, and how to ride a bike. To the man who never missed my choir concerts, shows, or anything I did and who would randomly visit me at college to take me to dinner, then drive 3 hours home. To the one who disciplined hard but loved harder. To the man who took early retirement so my kids wouldn’t have to spend too much time in daycare and even now as lolo/grandpa will try not to miss any of my kids’ games or events. To the one redcoatdadthat continues to show me what love and sacrifice look like; who loves my mom and supports our family, who is still fiercely protective and gentle and giving. This is my daddy. The one who worried and was probably ‘tortured’ by me when I was a teen but who loved me to beyond and back. I am forever his little girl. I am forever grateful to have been blessed with a great dad. Thank you, proud to call you daddy.

 

Yes, this is still my lipstick journey so I will end by recommending one of my favorite lip products of all time, Dior Addict Lip Glow. It feels like a lip balm but brings out the perfect shade of pink/berry on your lips. I always have one in my purse! I chose this because it just enhances you and what you were already born with! Thanks dad, cheers!

This Is Us

26 Jan

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I love this show and clearly millions of Americans love this show as well. I admit that I shed a tear or two or a hundred with every single episode. Why is this series so popular? I have my guesses; people have called it ‘real’,’emotional’,’accurate to life’. All those things are true but I think the main reason it’s popular is it validates us as imperfect human beings; it shows us that we are all human and our choices, good and bad, are a product of the experiences of our past and our current environment. Every person is wired differently and experiences things a little differently; three kids (triplets), raised by the same parents in the same home become three very different adults. Every single person on this show has a story, a ‘why’ they are the way they are and it opens ours eyes and makes us emotional because we can relate. We make mistakes, we make good and bad choices but it all comes from our story and just adds to our journey.

Anyway, I’ve been a little uninspired lately, partly being too busy partly emotionally drained from navigating teen parenting. Like my last blog said, parenting teens is soooo hard. I decided to look back at my story because sometimes we forget. The benefit of being fullsizerendera lifetime diary/journal keeper is that you can go back in time and discover what you were like. I recently pulled out and read my journals from age 16-19 and it was great because it really helped me understand where my daughter was coming from and allowed me to give her more grace and not take things personally. Reading my thoughts made me laugh, made me angry, and made me reflective of my life since then and I learned a couple things. Reading it brought me back and stirred up those same old feelings. I thought I was so smart and ‘adult’ and an expert at life (at 18) yet made some immature comments and decisions. I struggled with identity, wanting to be liked, be part of the ‘in’ crowd, and thinking no one understood me. Yup, confirmation I was in fact a teenager! Decades later reading my journals gave me clarity about who I was and why I made different decisions and mistakes and some of what I wrote made me want to shake the young me and scream at her but I guess that’s all part of our story right? It’s what makes living a life. There was also something I found beautiful, hope. I was so hopeful back then. I looked forward to the future with excitement and I believed the best of so many people. I was more carefree and surprisingly I was grateful. At the end of my entries I would write what I was thankful for, some of them dumb like ‘did 100 sit ups today’ or ‘took a long walk.’I take it back, those are not dumb because many days now I don’t have time for a long walk and I probably would throw up if I did 100 sit ups…or can I even do 100 sit ups?

Here are my lessons from me:

  • Stand back a little and let teens go through things as they transform into adults (a little more grace)
  • Be grateful even for the minutia of life because you may not be able to experience the same in the future
  • Be hopeful and look to the future with excitement (this perspective always makes the days better)
  •  Don’t forget other people have a story too

The show This Is Us is great but no show is as good and as complex as real life and no writer is better at writing your story than you. Today I wear Julie Hewitt lipstick in Jules. I was introduced to this lipstick by another blogger and it’s great. It feels like a balm and has ‘more than sheer’ color…not too heavy but just enough. I chose this color because it’s an easy everyday red/berry and because the owner made it for herself and pretty much named it after herself too. Her story. We have one life, one story to create, this is us. Cheers!

Learning to Love My Lips

4 Apr
 

Photo Courtesy of PR Watch

When I was young, I was teased about my big lips (among other things). The last thing I ever wanted to do was to focus on them. I NEVER wore lipstick. In fact, I always had a funny smirk on my face thinking that ‘look’ made my lips thinner. So why did I write a book about lipstick and cancer only to draw more attention to my lips? As I grew older, a couple beautiful things happened.  First, my face finally grew into my lips (my lips are the same size now as they were when I was four), and second, Angelina Jolie became a megastar with her huge lips. All of a sudden, everyone wanted big lips and I finally wanted to show them off.

I have been searching for the perfect shade since college. I think I found mine, but I keep departing from it thinking there must be one better. When I was diagnosed with cancer, my purchases increased and my color choices went wild. I buy lipstick with every change of emotion or weather and with cancer I was an emotional hotbed!  Another hobby of mine is journaling. I have kept a journal since I was eight years old. Writing a book combining my two emotional outlets (lipstick and journaling) along with my faith was an incredible channel for me and I am hoping that it is encouragement for others.

I had a couple more job interviews this week which is, of course, an emotional rollercoaster (CoverGirl Natureluxe lipsticks in Hibiscus and Cabernet)—drugstore, since I’m jobless.  But the best news came with my recent ultrasound…I am CLEAN!  I have been officially cancer free for one year!  I splurged, the new spring colors are out so I purchased Chanel Rose Dentelle along with a gorgeous Chanel gloss called Insolence (a sheer hot pink). Those that have read the book now ask what color they should be wearing, I say whatever makes you feel good. Now, people are constantly looking at my lips to see what color I’m wearing. Believe it or not, I still get freaked out because I still think my lips enter a room before I do, but I know they’re beautiful, just like life is beautiful!

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