Tag Archives: My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer

Insomnia

8 May

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. Do you ever feel like there’s not enough time in the day?  I read a quote last week which said, “Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within.” That statement really impacted me because that’s how I feel after cancer. I have a fire within to make some type of difference. With my voice still intact despite all the surgeries, radiation treatments, and the loss of one vocal cord, I feel like I might have something to say. With my new found passion for writing, my book, my blog, etc, I feel I may have lots more I need to write. With the people my job allows me to meet and those currently in my life, I feel the need to hear people’s stories because there are so many, and do what, write them down? All the stories, all the backgrounds help me appreciate my own and make me a richer more loving person. With my new found health and passion for life I feel I might be preparing for something to do…I just don’t know what.  All I know is that I’m awake and at times, overcommitted, and add to that all the lipstick…it’s just crazy.

What do you do when you have a burning passion to do something and don’t know which direction to take because you’re not exactly sure what that passion is? ‘To make a difference’ sounds too broad right? I’m curious, really, what do you do? Yes I know I spoke about purpose in my last blog and I still believe that people are the purpose for where we are. For me though, after all this cancer junk, at the end of the day it’s hard for me to sleep because it’s another day, another 24 hours, gone and I’m just wishing I could have done more with that time…. another risk, another phone call, another letter, whatever, just more. I guess for now, I will pray and go about my days with eyes and arms wide open. Eyes open for whatever may lie ahead. Arms wide open to people.  Notice anything with the picture above? There are two rainbows…don’t miss the moments.

Today I wear Dior Addict Ultra lipgloss in Flash which I’m sad to say was a limited color a few months ago ( a close relative would be Outrageous Fuscia or Sari Pink). What I love about the Dior lipglosses is they are so moist and not sticky. They add a hint of color and are beautiful.  Right now, they are my favorite lipglosses. I chose the color Flash because the name reminds me that life goes by so quickly!

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Purpose

4 May

I have had a crazy but amazing week. I’ve actually felt a little overwhelmed since completing that race I spoke about in my last blog. One of the most universal questions is “What is my purpose?”  In other words, “Why am I here?”  I ask myself that all the time. Of course, since I am a Christian I believe God put each of us here for a purpose beyond ourselves and He equipped us with specific gifts and talents to fulfill that purpose. In our own human-ness we, at least I, end up equating that with career vs calling. Am I called to be a sales rep or am I just passing time before I find my true purpose?

Well, this week some amazing things happened that helped me understand the answer. Again, this is my viewpoint. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be for now. Yesterday I visited an office I hadn’t been to for a couple of years. I went with a friend just to say ‘hello’ to my old customers. I had only called on them a little over a year before getting laid off so I wasn’t really sure if they would even remember me or how they felt about me. When they saw me, I was overwhelmed by the welcome or I should say, welcome back. One of the customers even led me to a back hallway where there was a whiteboard which said, “Anna Warner, My Lipstick Journey Through Cancer.” He said it had been up there for over a year and he tells everyone to read my book. All this from people I didn’t think would really remember me.

So here’s my thing, purpose is about the people. Yes, I will probably always struggle with the days of wondering about my job, but no matter what I’m doing or where, it’s about relationships. I got cancer which obviously was not part of my plan, but I have met so many people who have impacted my life in so many ways; some really deep and everlasting relationships. I only hope I have done the same for them. Former strangers, now friends. I believe there are no accidents and people come in and out of our lives for a reason; whether it’s to teach us to love more, to be more compassionate, or even to break our hearts and make us stronger. In the end, my heart overflows and I can barely contain it. It’s ok, I don’t want to. I think sometimes when we are searching and questioning where we should be or what we should be doing, we miss where we are. I am sitting smack dab in my ‘purpose.’ Sit for 5 minutes and think about where you are, think about all the people in your life. We all make decisions good and bad that lead us in different directions. I try not to have regrets. This is life.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lip Color in Pink Ballet. First of all, I love Bobbi Brown lipsticks. This formula is extra creamy because it has shea butter in it. The color is a soft pink which is appropriate for spring and summer and Bobbi colors are pretty much universal. I chose it because I love music and I am also a dancer. I danced through my youth and even through college. We live our purpose daily but if we can infuse our passion too, well, the skies the limit!

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I Ran

29 Apr

Yesterday I ran in a 5K race (3.1miles). This might seem insignificant to some, but for me it was a milestone, a miracle. My cancer surgeries and treatments have made it very difficult to participate in any type of cardiovascular activity because of my difficulty breathing. For those who don’t know, one of my vocal cords is paralyzed and because of scar tissue from three surgeries and external beam radiation along with swallowing I-131 radiation, my other vocal cord sits close to the other and moves a little slower. Picture drinking through a straw…lots of liquid. Now squeeze the straw so that it’s only open less than half the width, not much liquid can pass through and it’s that much more difficult to suck liquid in. That is how I breathe because my opening is less than half of a normal person’s. Without activity, I breathe just fine; but when I’m doing something active like running, I have to take at least twice as many breaths just to get air into my lungs. It’s a whole process of taking shorter faster breaths to keep going. Six months ago I could barely walk a mile on a treadmill without having to slow down and try to catch my breath, yesterday, I ran 3.1 miles. Now, I do have to say there were periods of walking, but a lot less than I thought. In fact, I finished 80th out of 134 in my age group (I pictured being last but finishing nonetheless). As I crossed the finish line, I could not help but break down and cry. It was a run for health, and faith, and for me, after four long years of fighting, it felt like a first step of trusting my body again, or as a quote I read on another cancer blog, ‘honoring a goal after a sea of disappointment’. I felt and still feel great! Of course I couldn’t do it alone. My friend Frances was there to encourage me and coach me through all the way. I knew this was something I wanted to do eventually and she helped lead me and keep me committed to this race (of course, there were times I wanted to back out).

After all the struggles with cancer and consequently my voice and my breathing, I can say that I can talk, sing, and run. Not without some struggles, but I feel blessed. Thank you to Frances and to all my friends and family that have helped and encouraged me. Thanks also to all of you who follow my lipstick journey!

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural in N47. It’s red and moisturizing….it is the red lipstick I was wearing when I crossed the finish line!

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Behind The Smile

24 Apr

Last week I had a routine exam with my radiation oncologist.  Unlike my other doctor appointments I see him at the hospital instead of an office or clinic. These appointments are especially emotional because I am back in the hospital in the same area/waiting room where I waited every day for seven weeks to get zapped with radiation for a half an hour. Looking around the lobby you see the same thing. All kinds of people, different colors and ages, with different types of cancer waiting their turn. Usually they are there with a caregiver, some are there alone. I couldn’t help but feel for them, especially the really young and the really old. Radiation is no walk in the park. It’s difficult and painful and near the end, it takes all your strength away. I tried to make eye contact and smile at everyone, but there was so much sadness and fear. I sat there very thankful that I was there for a routine check up and nothing else, but the crowded room always takes my breath away.

I also got the chance to meet with a couple girlfriends of mine over lunch (two different friends, two different meetings). They are very similar in current ‘life’ situations. Both excelling in their careers, both young(ish), and both single moms. If you saw either one of them they would be the ones that look put together, always social, always smiling and accomodating. What makes them miles different is their stories up to this point and what’s behind the smile. One has had outstanding family support and love throughout and one has not. One is confident in who she is and believes she can move forward confidently and one questions if her decisions have been right, she even has difficulty forgiving herself despite the support of her friends. We are so molded by our histories, they affect how we look at life and ourselves. When you talk to people and question how they are why they are, first ask them where they came from.

What’s behind a smile? In the waiting room, I was smiling, but inside I was sad for those around me and overcome with emotion at how far I’d come. Behind one friend’s smile was hope and excitement for the future, my other friend had uncertainty and sadness behind her smile. Yesterday we got the news that a 14 year old relative passed away. He had many friends and did well in school but no one knew what was behind that smile. Love people, listen to their stories, love your kids and tell them often. We all need validation and care.

Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick on Prayer. This lipstick is a mauvey-brown color which pretty much any skintone can wear…very neutral. This particular formula from Kat Von D is rich in color and fairly moisturizing; it also lasts a very long time! I chose this color today mainly because if the name (although I do have this one in my bag for everyday). I lift up in prayer all those who are hurting behind their smiles.

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Now

16 Apr

This week’s word for my blogging group GBE2 is ‘now’. So I am going to write everything that happens to be going through my mind right now. I have a really good friend going through a divorce and I’m so sad for them and their family. It happens to be a family we’re close to and have even vacationed with and we are stunned to say the least. I’m sad because another good friend found out last week that her husband has cancer. Like us, they have three kids and I know first hand how hearing the word cancer affects not only you, but the whole family. I’m sitting here wondering why the world seems like it’s upside down and crazy. I’m wondering if I am in the job that I’m going to be in for the rest of my life. It’s not horrible, but is that it? After 21 years, I guess it is, but it makes me a little sad because after cancer I feel there is so much more. I’m wondering what activities the kids have this week, what time, and who’s driving. I’m wondering if I have to cook dinner again tomorrow or if we have enough leftovers from tonight.  I’m wondering if I really want to exercise tonight even though I know that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose my stride and it will be an uphill battle to start up again. I’m wondering when the wind will die down. I’m wondering if my difficulty breathing is due to the extreme changes in weather and my allergies or if it’s something else. I’m wondering what my day with my boss is going to be like tomorrow. I’m wondering how many inches I should cut off my hair on Thursday.

Ok, that’s all. my mind is obviously wound up and filled with emotion, sorry for the rambling. I guess I should go to the gym. Right now I am wearing Dior Addict Lip Glow (yes, another Dior). It is by far one of my most favorite lip products. It feels like a balm and brings out the natural pink color of your lips and yes, it actually adds color to your lips based on your chemistry, temperature…who knows, who cares, it’s awesome!

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Home

14 Apr

This summer I will be celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I actually got married young by today’s standards, one year after graduating college (he graduated ahead of me). For the first few years of marriage, we were commuters. I had an apartment in Indiana where I was placed for my first job, and he was in Chicago for medical school. People have asked why we didn’t just wait until he was done instead of only seeing each other on weekends for the first few years. Well, we were young and in love and that’s well, what else is there to say? Anyhow, it was a honeymoon every weekend and we did wait 6 years to have our first child. Since the beginning of our marriage we have had 10 different addresses in three states (I am also counting the two addresses he had while in school since I would visit and it would be our home for the weekend). 3 of the homes we had built from the bottom up, 1 of the homes was a ‘spec’ home which means it was half done, we chose the rest, 1 was a builders model home, and today’s house was an older home that we have put blood, sweat, and tears into in re-doing each room, one by one. Our first child had gone to three different schools by the time he was in second grade and my other two experienced the stress of remodeling our current house while also dealing with my cancer. It has been quite the ride and today, we have had the same address for 7 years, the longest we have stayed anywhere. Sometimes I am jealous of some of my friends who got married and put roots down somewhere and never moved but I don’t think I would change things, it’s what I know.

This week my cousins and aunt are visiting from California and the Philippines. I haven’t seen my cousin from the Philippines in almost 30 years (I think we look the same, like no time has passed). It reminded me of the journey my parents took 40 years ago leaving friends and family with a 3 year old (me) to start a better life for the generations to come. It was a huge move away from all they knew, from their home. What is a home? You’ve heard the cliche’ “Home is where the heart is”. For me that’s true. If I were Dorothy in Oz and clicked those red shoes three times, they would bring me to my home; not defined by a city, state, or address, but solely defined by where my family happens to be. The upside from all the moves is that I don’t get attached to things (even though I don’t think I really ever have). I don’t get attached to homes, or stuff for that matter. The slight downside is that it has become harder for me to get attached to people because in the back of my mind I’m thinking about our next move. The invention of Facebook of course has changed that dramatically because I can now reconnect and stay in touch with all the people in my life past and present and I’m thankful. Through the moves I have met some incredible people and lifelong friends. When cancer came I cannot think of one person past or present that did not reach out to me. I reiterate this, sometimes we just have a moment to impact someone in either a positive or negative way…make it count.

Today I wear Dior Addict lipstick In New York. I love Dior lipsticks and this is a pinky brown which is quite easy to wear with anything. New York is the place I thought I would be living (because of my Broadway dreams) but have only gone to visit. Life takes us along many different paths and I never look back. Home IS where the heart is.

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Random

10 Apr

Do you ever get that feeling that time is just slipping away and you haven’t done anything significant? For the past few weeks this has been me. Working, eating, sleeping, just normal day to day stuff. Last week I had to go back to my corporate office for some advanced training. Although some of the material was good and seeing old friends was awesome, my kids were on Spring Break and I hated being away. One major thing the past few years with cancer has taught me is that time is so precious. It’s hard to wrap my head around this new normal for me and it’s hard expressing it into words. All I know is that I cry more easily and that I feel more deeply. I also value each moment and have a burning in my chest to do something significant. Not really for me, but for others. I want people to see life as beautiful and to live passionately because my heart is bursting. I’m sick of all the facades and the unspoken words…tick tock tick tock…time is just flying by and we can’t go back. I really am having difficulty expressing myself aren’t I?

Let’s put it this way, our life is like a book, each day, each season, is a new chapter…would you keep reading it? If you were a sitcom or a movie, would you keep watching? No, its not always an adventure, we do have the day to day mundane, but there are people we run into in our day and investing in their story can be a small adventure. Oh well, I’m rambling now. Do you think all survivors feel like this? I guess because I’ve been through a lot and know for certain there will be an end to this life (maybe sooner than later), I want to make mine count. Last week at our training we were given personality evaluations based on a questionnaire we had to fill out. One of the concluding statements given to me was, ‘she lives in the present, she tries to live each moment as a satisfying personal experience’.  Yup….

Today I wear Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl which is a siren red. I have to say, like any matte lipstick, it’s a little dry but if you pat it into your lips with your finger and apply lip balm or a gloss on top, it’s fine. Obviously this color is bright red….HOT. I chose it because I have a burning passion to live life.

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Mirror,Mirror

31 Mar

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Most of us look and see our flaws. For me, it’s the new gray hairs, the lines that are starting to show, etc. What about the positives? Do we ever look and say, ‘Dang, I’m gorgeous!’ or ‘Wow, new lines. It’s wonderful seeing life experiences on my face.’ Believe me, those things have NEVER come to mind while looking at myself. But what if mirrors could talk back? What would they say?

Recently, Snow White has made a comeback. Once Upon A Time (a new TV show I love on ABC–I love fairytales), Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts, Snow White and The Huntsman coming out with Kristen Stewart of Twilight fame…remember the mirror? ‘You are the fairest of them all.’ If my mirror could talk to me I would hope it says, ‘It’s ok, you’re beautiful. You see the lines around your eyes, I can see into your eyes and the experience and wisdom you have gained through the years; you see lines around your mouth, I see the imprint of joy and all of your moments smiling; the gray hairs? Well, that can be colored.’

What is a true mirror in our lives? Our friends and family. Think about it, the people we connect with reflect back to us how we treat them. Kindness begets kindness. Love bounces back (most of the time). Authenticity brings truth to relationships; and if you haven’t noticed, for the most part, a smile brings on a smile. What do your friends think about you? They are your mirror. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Look in the mirror and realize there is no one else quite like you!

Today I wear Bobbi Brown High Shimmer lipgloss in Bare Sparkle, a champagne colored shimmery gloss. It is BEAUTIFUL and goes well on top of lipstick to add a beautiful shimmer. I chose it because it’s beautiful and sparkly on its own which is what I hope to be.

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Coffee Anyone?

28 Mar

This morning I met a friend for coffee. She is going through a difficult time (it seems like it’s going around) and I wanted to just spend a little time with her to listen. For 20 minutes I listened to her stories, we laughed a little, and cried a lot. She was able to share her feelings, her questions about what was going on, and also share her frustrations; and although I did not have answers for her and I’m very careful about giving out advice, I was there. How long does it take you to enjoy one cup of coffee? By the end of our one cup of coffee, we had deepened our friendship, even if it was deepened only a fragment.

I admit it, I am not that great of a friend. I am a natural introvert (which is why I have a lifetime of journals, literally since I was 8 years old). I know it’s surprising to even some of my closest friends to hear because I am in sales and I have been a performer all my life. I went to a leadership seminar once and took one of those personality tests and I was told that I am an introvert but a forced extrovert…a 5 on a scale from 1 being total introvert to 10 being total extrovert.  Whatever. All I know is that I don’t enjoy talking on the phone that much so I believe texting was actually invented for me. Since I am forced to talk and socialize all day for my job, as an introvert, I actually have to recharge myself at different times of the day, and in order to do that, I have always read, played the piano, or listened to music…no talking…alone. If I don’t get that time in the day I feel stressed.

Relationships though, take time. Talking, face to face, or on the phone. Since cancer, I have learned many things and have chosen to live a little differently. For one thing, I have chosen to invest more into people. We live in an incredibly fast paced society and our communication (as much as I love texting) has become impersonal. People have become less friendly and more protective of themselves. I get it, life is hard, the economy stinks, the stories you hear on the news get worse and worse. One thing I did learn is that in the end, we need each other. When I couldn’t speak, people would sit with me and speak to me, tell me stories of their day and just tell me stuff, I loved it. I love to listen and hear people’s stories because it gives you a glimpse into the experiences that have molded them, it also gives you a glimpse into their heart. I read a quote that said, “Our life is a storybook we write for ourselves; wonderfully illustrated by the people we meet.”(unkown author)

My commitment is to have a cup of coffee at least once a week with a friend, old or new, just to listen or to deepen a relationship. It is my challenge to you. It doesn’t take that long and yet relationship with others is what we yearn for. I may or may not share a story or two, but it could get interesting. Make yourself available, 20 minutes is not that long.

Today’s lipstick is Revlon Coffee Bean (I coudn’t resist). It is a shimmery light brown color which actually looks great on tan skin in the summer. I have worn this lipstick off and on for at least the last 15 years. Revlon lipsticks go on smooth and are moisturizing, I like them. My only problem is that you can’t try them on so I have made too many mistakes to guess which is right for me. Coffee anyone?

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Extreme

26 Mar

The past week or so has been one of those crazy weeks filled with extreme emotion. It’s Sunday night, I’m exhausted and tomorrow starts a new week. About a week ago, I met with a good friend from college for a lipstick and lunch date…now how can you go wrong with lipstick and food? It was great catching up with her while trying on lipstick followed by lunch! Extreme fun! A few days later, I got a call from one of my closest friends telling me she and her husband were getting divorced. This was devastating news to both my husband and myself because they are close ‘couple’ friends. You know, it’s hard to find a couple you both like to hang with. It was a complete shock and so sad, even she was surprised; he just decided to up and leave her and their two kids. Extreme low. Friday I sang at my doctor’s annual World Voice Day Celebration. This was my fourth year attending and singing and every year has been different. The first year was after my first surgery and my voice was decent, the second, was after my third surgery and radiation and my vocal cords were paralyzed. Last year, I was still recovering, and this year, well, I am cancer free. My voice has changed quite a bit (obviously), and singing with one vocal cord is such a thought process, but it was overwhelming and awesome. As I stepped out on the stage I was overcome with emotion because it has been such a long road and not only did it feel like a miracle being there singing, but my ‘voice team’ who took care of me from the beginning was there right along side of me cheering me on. I picked a difficult song and it wasn’t the best I’ve ever sounded, but I was there. Extreme high. Saturday night, I was at a ‘girl’ party with one of my best high school friends whom I reconnected with a couple years ago as I was going through cancer the third time. It’s incredible how true friendship works, we don’t see each other for 20 years and we talk like not a day has gone by. Anyhow, it was a fun party with just a handful of women. Extreme joy and laughter. Today…extreme exhaustion.

Each day was different, each day holds a memory, each day involved relationships. So now, as today ends, we have tomorrow. Life is crazy and fun and sad and filled with so many tidbits in a day. Don’t miss the moments. Take in every emotion, as much as your heart breaks, it gets recharged with love and joy. Love people, they need you as much as you need them and be open to whatever may come next!

Today I wear Bobbi Brown High Shimmer Lip Gloss in Electric Violet, A pinkish, violet shimmery lip gloss. Gorgeous color for spring and summer. This is a newer formulation for Bobbi and it combines vitamins to help moisturize your lips and is not sticky. The colors are still sheer so you can wear it over lipstick if you choose, but they do add a good amount of color on their own.  I chose it because life can be electric if you let it! Enjoy!

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