Tag Archives: thyroid

Why Worry?

1 Oct

A few days ago I was talking to a customer whom I haven’t spoken to since June. His son was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago right before my second recurrence and surgery for cancer. Last June he told me his son was doing much better and they thought he was finally in remission. When I asked him the other day how he was doing, he told me his son passed away in July, the cancer took a turn and went into his bones. In one month’s time his four year old was gone. As he told me the story of how he and his wife were comforted by the fact that he was no longer in pain and they were able to hold him in their arms until he finally passed, I sat speechless and breathless with tears in my eyes. When he was finished we were both quiet for awhile and he looked at me and asked, ‘You don’t worry too much about anything anymore do you, not much can stress you out, right?’ Hmmm, I do worry about my kids, but there’s not much anymore that can freak me out. If I’m not running exactly on schedule or if I can only check one thing off my ‘to-do’ list so be it. Every day we have obstacles and opportunities thrown at us and we have to deal with it as it comes. Can it get exhausting? Of course, but then again, even some of the best laid plans fail. I more than ever believe that sometimes God has a plan and sometimes it’s not the same as ours, sometimes you just have to trust it’s the right plan and you move forward. That simple word ‘trust’ is so freeing. The fall sky has been so amazing, it is a reminder that there is someOne much bigger than myself. Here are a couple pictures:

Today I ran a race with my daughter and a close friend going through a difficult time. The three of us ran for different reasons; my daughter ran because well, I think she wanted to prove to her brothers and herself that she is athletic. My friend ran because I promised her we would take it slow and that she would feel great but also because I forced her to  do something for herself. Today I ran because running helps me feel like I have a little control of my body and although it’s super hard to breathe, it stills makes me feel free…hard to explain. Today we ran as Team Lipstick Journey and swiped on red lipstick at the finish line. In the future I would love for the team to grow and possibly start raising funds for cancer charities. Who wants to join the team? One condition, the red lipstick goes on.

Today I wear Make Up Forever Rouge Artist Natural lipstick in N47, brick red. These lipsticks are moisturizing and semi-sheer and this is the one we swiped on after the race! Cheers!

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Free Coffee

25 Sep

The other day I was in the Starbuck’s drive thru. There were a few people in front of me, but I thought I’d wait. When I got to the window I was told that the man in the car in front of me paid for my drink. Believe it or not, tears started welling up in my eyes, thank goodness I had sunglasses on. I had been having one of those days. You know the ones, nothing seems to be going right, it was cold which meant summer was coming to an end, did not get enough sleep the night before, struggling with work, the kids’ schedules seemed too full, allergy attack, whatever else; I was feeling overwhelmed and was looking for something positive to focus on so I turned to Starbuck’s for the Pumpkin Spice Soy Latte both as comfort and as an afternoon pick-me-up .Well, when the kind stranger paid and drove off, unbeknownst to him, he completely changed my day and my outlook.

We always wonder (at least I do) how we can help change a life for the positive, how to make an impact. For me, that day, it was getting a $4.00+ cup of coffee for free, paid for by a total stranger. It is not always the grandiose ‘Oprah starting a school in Africa’ thing or the ‘sell everything you have and give it to charity’ thing. No, sometimes it’s as small as a smile or a compliment, or even a cup of coffee that could change someone’s moment, day, and life. How crazy is that? I immediately wanted to pay it forward, pay for the next person’s drink, but no one was behind me in the drive thru.

How do we change the world? It may just take that one moment, or be that one small act of kindness.  Show people you care and that they matter, take them by surprise!

Today I wear an old standard for me, Revlon lipstick in Coffee Bean. This is a great shimmery brown with a little bit of a plum undertone. This is a great every day color for most skin tones although it does have a little shimmer. Obviously today I chose it for the name in honor of that cup of coffee. Cheers!

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Bottom

19 Sep

Remember that ice cream treat you would get from the ice cream truck with the bubble gum at the bottom? I would eat that ice cream so fast just to get to the bubblegum (which would lose it’s flavor within 10 seconds); or when you opened that box of Cracker Jacks you couldn’t wait to eat it all so you could get to the prize at the bottom of the box (by the way, the prize is now at the top of the box to conform to our instant gratification world)? Then there are those phrases, ‘save the best for last’, ‘the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow, ‘can’t wait til retirement to do all the things I want to do.’ Why do we rush through things to get to the bottom, the end, retirement?

This week one of the kids I grew up with found out that his wife’s cancer is back. She had breast cancer the year before my cancer and they just found out it is now in her bones. My son came home a couple days ago and said that one of his friends’ dad had a massive heart attack while jogging and passed away that day, he was only 50 years old. Two of my mom’s frends were diagnosed with cancer, one breast, the other prostate. It has been a wild and sad week, which brings me back to what I was talking about in the beginning. Why are we rushing through the days in hopes of the prize at the bottom? Why are we waiting for retirement to enjoy life? Why are we making bucket lists but waiting for the right time? Now is the time. Life is so short and can change in a blink of an eye. When we rush through hoping for the prize at the end, we miss what’s in front of us. Even if the only positive thing in the day is the sun shining…stick your face out there and soak it in. We work and work toward retirement in hopes that that is when we will enjoy our days, well, what if those days never come or what if you’re incapable of doing the things you thought you wanted to do? Again, now is the time. Tackle your bucket list now. Enjoy life now. Tell people you love them now. Hold them close now. 

Today I wear Nars lipgloss in Wonder which is a peachy pink color. Nars lipglosses are not too sticky and depending on the color, fairly sheer. This color looks really peachy, but if your lips have a plum undertone it cancels out the orange and the color shows up as a sheer pop of pale pink, just the right neutral for every day. I chose this color because I like it but I also like the name, shouldn’t we live life in sheer wonder and gratitude for every day we get? Cheers!

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“B”

15 Sep

Every time you meet someone you never know how you may impact their life or adjust their story; or even more importantly how they may change you.  When I was doing my radiation treatments I befriended a fellow patient who I’ll call ‘B’.  When you’re getting radiation treatments you go at about the same time every day because they want the level of radiation to remain consistent throughout the day. Of course then, you see the same people in the small radiation waiting room every day; some were only there for a few treatments or a few weeks, but ‘B’ and I were there every day for the whole seven weeks at the same time and our stories kind of run parallel. We both had an aggressive thyroid cancer that spread, we both had a parlyzed vocal cord, and we both had several surgeries. Thanks to Facebook, we found each other and now are able to support each other in our post cancer paths through e-mail. Recently I heard from both him and his wife because he suffered a small setback. Like myself, it has been increasingly more difficult to breathe and swallow, but for him, it was becoming impossible. He went back to the hospital and like me was told it was scar tissue that has built up since radiation. He suffered some complications and is still trying to recover with a new trach in his neck to help him breathe. My heart is so heavy because I feel his same fear and heartache. He talks about all the things he still wants to do with his family and I completely understand. Even though I only saw him for a half an hour every day for seven weeks, I care for him and he and his story have deeply affected me.

I know we are in a world of social media that has sucked us all in, and sometimes it can be viewed as bad because we have lost that personal face to face communication and touch, but in some ways it has been a blessing. I have been able to stay in touch with this friend who shared in the struggle of radiation and cancer. I have forged some deep friendships with people who I have never met; people who like me find it easier to express their thoughts and feelings through writing (and music). People like those in my bloggging group who leave their heart in their writing, I love them (you guys know who you are). For my special friend I met on Twitter…you are AWESOME! To my Thyca sisters Sarah, Bridget, Megan and others who I only know through Facebook and blogging…it’s awesome to know we all had the same fight and it was never easy! Yes, these virtual friendships are incredible and I’m thankful. Nothing is better than the personal face to face, but all friendships, if you put yourself out there, are wonderful. Each person has placed their imprint on my heart and it’s overwhelming. Each person you meet, even  briefly, can adjust your story, change your path, change your way of thinking…think about the power you have to do the same for them. Use your words wisely, love openly and the love and friendship you get back will amaze you. Thanks for being here and being a part of my story.

Today’s lipstick is Clinique Chubby Stick in Pudgy Peony which is a sheer fuscia pink. I like these glosses because they feel like lip balm and this color is just fun. They are ultra sheer but shouldn’t friendship be like that? Transparent? Cheers!

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Impulse

12 Sep

Coming home from work today I saw one of those giant flocks of small birds flying in different formations over a field. You know the ones I’m talking about? I think they are sparrows, but literally there are hundreds flying and weaving, landing, turning, it’s quite the sight to see. Against the backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was beautiful. While watching (and driving), I noticed that as they flew in formation, it seemed that one bird would fly on impulse another way; then one, two, a hundred would follow. It occured several times within seconds.

School started last week for my kids and there has been quite a bit of discussion on popularity in my house..with a pre-teen and a teenager, well of course. “Why is so and so popular?”, “what makes people popular?”…oh yeah, I forgot about all of that pressure. I was never the popular one but I was always nice to everyone which made me ‘well known’ in many different groups of my large school. Today when I watched the birds I was able to talk about that to my kids in terms of popularity. I told them that the birds all flew in a cluster but there was always a leader, in a matter of seconds though, another bird would impulsively go a different direction then the cluster would follow. Do you want to be part of the pack following the popular kid (or lead bird) or the one that breaks off and does your own thing, maybe some come along beside you, maybe not, or maybe new people show up? It’s much more fun to do your own thing and not just be a follower, plus, (as evidenced by the birds) the leader lost his status within seconds. Popularity is fleeting and comes and goes like the wind. I told them to stand firm in who they are, follow their passions, and love people. Everyone has a story and a reason, take time to listen and invest in people. It’s hard to be a parent, I’m sure we’ll have this discussion again, maybe I’ll see something else that I can use as an analogy.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.

Speaking of impulsiveness, I have purchased three lipsticks in two days ,one’s going back and another is a refill on my fall favorite. My color for today and the fall favorite I’m talking about is Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. This happens to be the perfect deep red shade for me. Also the consistency is VERY moisturizing which I love. This is a lipstick I buy every year for fall and winter and is perfect if you have tan skin. Incidentally a perfect bright red for more of a porcelain to medium skin tone is Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Red Square. It’s an awesome color but unfortunately for me it makes me look like a crazy woman…too bright, sigh, I’ll still wear it.

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It Is What It Is

5 Sep

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I hate that phrase by the way, ‘it is what it is’. My arm hairs bristle every time someone says it. I think because I view it as a cop out, or an excuse, like things can’t change or be changed. I guess sometimes that’s true.

I had my doctor appointment last Friday to finally discuss the ultrasound and MRI findings from a few weeks ago. If you recall, he was on vacation immediately after my ultrasound so I haven’t spoken to him about the results and possible next steps. Well…here’s how it went….Doc: I think you’re good for now, see you in a few months. Me: What about the growth the radiologist saw? Doc: Well, you can do a PET scan but it will say the same thing, abnormal tissue, it’s up to you. Me: What do you think I should do? Doc: Check if it’s grown in 3-6 months…if it has,it’s probably cancer, if not, it’s probably just scar tissue. Besides, no surgeon is going to want to go back in there right now. Me: It’s been 2 and a half years since surgery and radiation, when does scar tissue stop growing. Doc: Now. Just live life as normal and I’ll see you in a few months.

That’s it. Life goes on. Isn’t that true though about anything? Illness, you get fired or laid off from a job, your child leaves for college, you miss an appointment….life ALWAYS moves forward. How do we handle that? There’s only two choices, positively or negatively. I have to choose positive, even if I’m kicking and screaming, because I trust God has a plan. It may not be the same plan I’m thinking, but His wheels are in motion and I’m there for the ride.

Today I wear Bite Beauty Honey Lip Lacquer in Aurora which is of course, red. These are interesting, I saw them on display at Sephora last weekend and had to try. They are all natural and long lasting, actually made from 100% honey. These are high shine glosses and for me, a little sticky but beautiful nonetheless. I chose red because, well, it’s a bold color always reminding me to live out loud with no fear. By the way, I’m done being angry…it gets tiring after awhile (remember my last blog called ‘Tired?’). So here I am, living the dream (another phrase I hate). Cheers!

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Tired

30 Aug

I’m tired. I’m just going to ramble on about different things that have been bothering me so please bear with me. First, I still have not done any bloodwork to confirm or deny tumors…it’s been three weeks but my doctor is finally back from vacation so I will see him soon. Since my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I have had that underlying anger issue, remember (refer to ‘Angry’)?. I am a sales rep, have been for over 20 years. Sure it’s a fine career, but generally speaking, the customer is always first. So…when you are in a bad mood or an ‘angry’ mood, or if you have a bunch of personal issues going on…well, you still have to smile and be on your ‘A’ game…talk about a great paying acting gig, it’s exhausting. I thought I was done acting since switching my degree to science in college. What else…you know those relationships that you think may be solid then all of a sudden you feel a little pushback just when you think you may really need their friendship? yeah. Hmm, I am so busy with the three kids and the school year ramping up again it’s not even funny. One in elementary and one in Jr High and one technically starting high school, throw in there the beginnings of football for the youngest, travel basketball for the oldest, and dance for the middle, etc.., it’s hard to catch my breath. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, with allergy season and of course, all the issues with my neck, it’s hard to breathe. I saw my speech pathologist recently who told me that because of everything I have gone through, including the hemorrhage on my vocal cord which happened on our vacation last month, my remaining vocal cord is weak which explains my breathing and also my weaker voice. She gave me a couple different contraptions I can use in the car to help exercise and strenghthen that area…it’s exhausting.

Can I just sleep for awhile? The other thing is this, I want to still be active but my body does not match up to what my mind thinks it can do. Most of my life there has been at least one person telling me I couldn’t do something. You can’t do this or do that, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, tall enough…whatever. I have always looked at that as the ultimate challenge..PROOVE.THEM.WRONG. Well, surprise, I can’t run like the wind anymore, bike fast, dance like crazy, kickbox because my breathing will not let me and it’s irritating!! I am starting back up in ballet soon because it is the one type of dance I think I can control my breath in. I have also decided to try a few more 5K runs not because I’m stupid or crazy, but because I need to. I want to at least feel like I’m the boss of my body if even just a little bit, plus the wind on my face makes me feel free. Strange, huh? Hard to explain. That’s enough, I’m done. Now to focus on the peace that passes all understanding…Ahhh

Today’s lipstick is Lancome Rouge in Love lipstick in Fiery Attitude. Can you guess why I picked it? anyhow, it’s a beatiful wine color which would be great for fall. These lipsticks have ALOT of pigment and are fairly long lasting. The texture is super light on the lips but again since it’s longer lasting it’s a bit drying for me. Pretty anyway!

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Growing up

26 Aug

There once was a girl whose favorite outfit was a pink and white checked bikini, who loved to sing and dance, who sang Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells on a 20 hour flight from the Philippines to the United States just when she was 3 years old. She was shy but her parents brought her to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and to the theater. They gave her dance lessons and piano lessons and instilled in her a love for music and theater which became her passion and helped her come out of her shell. She wondered what she would look like at 16, at 18, at 20; if boys would like her and think she was pretty. She dreamed of being on the stage, New York City, of even being a princess; and although life has changed and she has gotten older, she still dreams…almost even more than she did as a child. This little girl is me and being in my 40’s now means that if I’m lucky, I still have more than half my life to live, but also means almost half of it is over. I want to keep dreaming and discovering, is that wrong? I have shared some of the things I want to do with some people and they look at me like I’m a little crazy…so what? I refuse to settle. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard

This week my oldest son turned 15 which means in three years he will be a legal adult. He finished driver’s ed on his birthday and got his driver’s permit last Friday. Time has flown and I can’t help feeling sad but excited about his future and his great adventure. He is my child that has always had that ‘old’ spirit. He is very practicle and safe. What are his hopes and dreams for the future? We’ve talked about a few. I wonder what he thinks when he looks in the mirror at himself (which is often, usually flexing his muscles, which I call skin over bones). I pray he has some big dreams and when he tells people about them they also look at him like he’s slightly crazy. I pray he faces life head on and accepts stumbling blocks as challenges. I pray he is kind, that he loves God and others, and that he is fearless. Most of all, I just continue to pray for him and my other children as well, because I know we as parents can’t always be there. Life is funny and fast and crazy.

Today I wear Too Faced La Creme lipstick in Spice Spice Baby which is a pinky brown. I love these lipsticks because they are SUPER moisturizing. This color is an easy color to wear but on me, it does not have enough pink so I add a gloss. I love the name…make life spicy! Also, just to keep you updated…I have not yet done the blood test to check for tumor markers, my doctor has been on vacation but is back this week!  I’ll keep you posted!!

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Angry

15 Aug

 

I recently read a post on cancer anger and loneliness written by someone who recently found out she was cancer free. I would reference her but I can’t seem to find the exact post I read. Anyhow, after reading about her current feelings it helped me sort out mine. Ever since the news from my ultrasound last week I have been trying to figure out how I feel (not to mention the fact that people close to me keep asking), and I haven’t been able to articulate exactly what I was feeling. I don’t think the news was terrible but I don’t think they were perfect either (perfect would’ve been ‘all clean, see you next year’). After reading her post, I knew what I felt. I am angry right now. Not crazy with anger, just resting in it. I’m angry about the news, the fact that I cannot seem to move forward, away from the cancer path of my life journey, the fact that I am always trying to overcome the changes in my body. If you’ve seen the movie Enchanted there is a scene where Giselle is trying to articulate to Robert how she is feeling,she gets all flustered and blurts out, ‘Angry…I feel so angry!’ but then she starts laughing. I believe she laughed because it was so freeing for her to feel it and say it. Well, here I am. I’m angry…so angry. It’s ok, I’m dealing with it and still functioning like a normal person, all with a smile on my face; and I know I will get over it. However this turns out, I know I will  go through a plethora of feelings but this seems new to me. I don’t think I allowed myself to get mad before, or maybe I just didn’t have the time between the surgeries, treatment, and the cancer coming back. For now, I rest easy in ‘angry’ mode and I know it’s probably normal…just don’t make me mad..just kidding.

Today I wear Tarte Glamazon Pure Performance Lipstick in Fierce. Remember, Tarte lipsticks are all natural so this contains amazonian clay and shea butter which help keeps this long lasting lipstick moist on your lips. I chose Fierce because it’s red and I’m feeling the name right now…watch out!

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Enough Already!

8 Aug

Cheers for a new day!

Today was an interesting day. I started off the day early with an ultrasound to my neck. Because of the experimental blood test I took 6 months ago showing I had no cancer cells, I was able to wait a full year before doing my ultrasound and PET scan. Last night I told myself that if he didn’t see anything today, to me, my cancer journey would officially be over and life would just be moving forward in my new ‘normal’. It has been a full year since my last ultrasound and already two years since my last surgery and external beam radiation, so again, a clean ultrasound today for me meant…officially over. Well, it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted. Keep in mind, I know this doctor. He has been the radiologist who has looked in my neck every 3-6 months for four years now. I have heard him say ‘there’s something there’ , ‘it’s back’, ‘you’re clean’, ‘see you next year’, etc…I have seen my doctors so many times that I understand their mannerisms and expressions. So today when he said, ‘hmmm, there’s some tissue there and it’s thick.’ What does that mean? ‘I’m not sure, but that’s exactly what I’m going to write on my notes. It’s thicker than last time, a year ago, when’s your PET scan?’ Not scheduled yet. ‘Oh, ok, you should probably schedule that.’ Is it good or bad? ‘I’m not sure, it’s just…more’. More what? ‘Do the PET scan.’

Needless to say, I left not knowing how to respond. Let’s just say I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy, but I wasn’t totally devastated either. I just felt nothing, so I went to work. I spoke to one of my friends a little while after and he said, ‘How do you do it?’ What? ‘Continue on normally with life, work, etc when you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for four years.’ You just do. As I thought about his question throughout the day I started getting a little angry. Yes, I’ve been on this rollercoaster for awhile and well, I want off. I have remained positive and strong thanks to my faith, family and friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking on thin ice and at anytime it could crack and I will drown. So here are my hidden feelings, things that I don’t usually share except with a select few. I hate this. I hate asking for prayers and help over and over again because I feel like a drainer of people. I hate that I have a harder time swallowing and breathing. I hate that my kids never quite know how to react or what to ask after every test. I’m sick of fighting with my body…fighter, survivor?  No, just always fighting. I hate sore throats and necks. Sometimes I don’t want to be positive , but truth is that if I do fall through the ice I’m afraid I would never resurface, so I keep skimming the top. No, I really am not afraid. I trust in God’s plan. Sounds hokey and religious to some, but that’s how it truly is for me. I’m not scared, I’m just sick of all this and I really don’t like to have to think about anymore. Unfortunately because of all my appointments and how my breathing, speaking, singing etc. have changed, I’m forced to.

Well, enough of my rant. Thank you for listening, praying, and supporting me always. Thanks to this blog, I can rant and rave and not keep those feelings hidden ,that’s worse, everyone needs an outlet, so find yours. For now I will move forward with my red lipstick on. Today I choose Nars lipstick in Fire Down Below (a color I’ve chosen before). Nars lipsticks are great for color, staying power, and of course the names, love this name….cheers!

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