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Impulse

12 Sep

Coming home from work today I saw one of those giant flocks of small birds flying in different formations over a field. You know the ones I’m talking about? I think they are sparrows, but literally there are hundreds flying and weaving, landing, turning, it’s quite the sight to see. Against the backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was beautiful. While watching (and driving), I noticed that as they flew in formation, it seemed that one bird would fly on impulse another way; then one, two, a hundred would follow. It occured several times within seconds.

School started last week for my kids and there has been quite a bit of discussion on popularity in my house..with a pre-teen and a teenager, well of course. “Why is so and so popular?”, “what makes people popular?”…oh yeah, I forgot about all of that pressure. I was never the popular one but I was always nice to everyone which made me ‘well known’ in many different groups of my large school. Today when I watched the birds I was able to talk about that to my kids in terms of popularity. I told them that the birds all flew in a cluster but there was always a leader, in a matter of seconds though, another bird would impulsively go a different direction then the cluster would follow. Do you want to be part of the pack following the popular kid (or lead bird) or the one that breaks off and does your own thing, maybe some come along beside you, maybe not, or maybe new people show up? It’s much more fun to do your own thing and not just be a follower, plus, (as evidenced by the birds) the leader lost his status within seconds. Popularity is fleeting and comes and goes like the wind. I told them to stand firm in who they are, follow their passions, and love people. Everyone has a story and a reason, take time to listen and invest in people. It’s hard to be a parent, I’m sure we’ll have this discussion again, maybe I’ll see something else that I can use as an analogy.

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Apple Inc.

Speaking of impulsiveness, I have purchased three lipsticks in two days ,one’s going back and another is a refill on my fall favorite. My color for today and the fall favorite I’m talking about is Lancome L’Absolu Rouge lipstick in Merlot. This happens to be the perfect deep red shade for me. Also the consistency is VERY moisturizing which I love. This is a lipstick I buy every year for fall and winter and is perfect if you have tan skin. Incidentally a perfect bright red for more of a porcelain to medium skin tone is Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Red Square. It’s an awesome color but unfortunately for me it makes me look like a crazy woman…too bright, sigh, I’ll still wear it.

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It Is What It Is

5 Sep

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I hate that phrase by the way, ‘it is what it is’. My arm hairs bristle every time someone says it. I think because I view it as a cop out, or an excuse, like things can’t change or be changed. I guess sometimes that’s true.

I had my doctor appointment last Friday to finally discuss the ultrasound and MRI findings from a few weeks ago. If you recall, he was on vacation immediately after my ultrasound so I haven’t spoken to him about the results and possible next steps. Well…here’s how it went….Doc: I think you’re good for now, see you in a few months. Me: What about the growth the radiologist saw? Doc: Well, you can do a PET scan but it will say the same thing, abnormal tissue, it’s up to you. Me: What do you think I should do? Doc: Check if it’s grown in 3-6 months…if it has,it’s probably cancer, if not, it’s probably just scar tissue. Besides, no surgeon is going to want to go back in there right now. Me: It’s been 2 and a half years since surgery and radiation, when does scar tissue stop growing. Doc: Now. Just live life as normal and I’ll see you in a few months.

That’s it. Life goes on. Isn’t that true though about anything? Illness, you get fired or laid off from a job, your child leaves for college, you miss an appointment….life ALWAYS moves forward. How do we handle that? There’s only two choices, positively or negatively. I have to choose positive, even if I’m kicking and screaming, because I trust God has a plan. It may not be the same plan I’m thinking, but His wheels are in motion and I’m there for the ride.

Today I wear Bite Beauty Honey Lip Lacquer in Aurora which is of course, red. These are interesting, I saw them on display at Sephora last weekend and had to try. They are all natural and long lasting, actually made from 100% honey. These are high shine glosses and for me, a little sticky but beautiful nonetheless. I chose red because, well, it’s a bold color always reminding me to live out loud with no fear. By the way, I’m done being angry…it gets tiring after awhile (remember my last blog called ‘Tired?’). So here I am, living the dream (another phrase I hate). Cheers!

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Tired

30 Aug

I’m tired. I’m just going to ramble on about different things that have been bothering me so please bear with me. First, I still have not done any bloodwork to confirm or deny tumors…it’s been three weeks but my doctor is finally back from vacation so I will see him soon. Since my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I have had that underlying anger issue, remember (refer to ‘Angry’)?. I am a sales rep, have been for over 20 years. Sure it’s a fine career, but generally speaking, the customer is always first. So…when you are in a bad mood or an ‘angry’ mood, or if you have a bunch of personal issues going on…well, you still have to smile and be on your ‘A’ game…talk about a great paying acting gig, it’s exhausting. I thought I was done acting since switching my degree to science in college. What else…you know those relationships that you think may be solid then all of a sudden you feel a little pushback just when you think you may really need their friendship? yeah. Hmm, I am so busy with the three kids and the school year ramping up again it’s not even funny. One in elementary and one in Jr High and one technically starting high school, throw in there the beginnings of football for the youngest, travel basketball for the oldest, and dance for the middle, etc.., it’s hard to catch my breath. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, with allergy season and of course, all the issues with my neck, it’s hard to breathe. I saw my speech pathologist recently who told me that because of everything I have gone through, including the hemorrhage on my vocal cord which happened on our vacation last month, my remaining vocal cord is weak which explains my breathing and also my weaker voice. She gave me a couple different contraptions I can use in the car to help exercise and strenghthen that area…it’s exhausting.

Can I just sleep for awhile? The other thing is this, I want to still be active but my body does not match up to what my mind thinks it can do. Most of my life there has been at least one person telling me I couldn’t do something. You can’t do this or do that, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, tall enough…whatever. I have always looked at that as the ultimate challenge..PROOVE.THEM.WRONG. Well, surprise, I can’t run like the wind anymore, bike fast, dance like crazy, kickbox because my breathing will not let me and it’s irritating!! I am starting back up in ballet soon because it is the one type of dance I think I can control my breath in. I have also decided to try a few more 5K runs not because I’m stupid or crazy, but because I need to. I want to at least feel like I’m the boss of my body if even just a little bit, plus the wind on my face makes me feel free. Strange, huh? Hard to explain. That’s enough, I’m done. Now to focus on the peace that passes all understanding…Ahhh

Today’s lipstick is Lancome Rouge in Love lipstick in Fiery Attitude. Can you guess why I picked it? anyhow, it’s a beatiful wine color which would be great for fall. These lipsticks have ALOT of pigment and are fairly long lasting. The texture is super light on the lips but again since it’s longer lasting it’s a bit drying for me. Pretty anyway!

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Growing up

26 Aug

There once was a girl whose favorite outfit was a pink and white checked bikini, who loved to sing and dance, who sang Tiny Bubbles and Pearly Shells on a 20 hour flight from the Philippines to the United States just when she was 3 years old. She was shy but her parents brought her to see the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and to the theater. They gave her dance lessons and piano lessons and instilled in her a love for music and theater which became her passion and helped her come out of her shell. She wondered what she would look like at 16, at 18, at 20; if boys would like her and think she was pretty. She dreamed of being on the stage, New York City, of even being a princess; and although life has changed and she has gotten older, she still dreams…almost even more than she did as a child. This little girl is me and being in my 40’s now means that if I’m lucky, I still have more than half my life to live, but also means almost half of it is over. I want to keep dreaming and discovering, is that wrong? I have shared some of the things I want to do with some people and they look at me like I’m a little crazy…so what? I refuse to settle. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard

This week my oldest son turned 15 which means in three years he will be a legal adult. He finished driver’s ed on his birthday and got his driver’s permit last Friday. Time has flown and I can’t help feeling sad but excited about his future and his great adventure. He is my child that has always had that ‘old’ spirit. He is very practicle and safe. What are his hopes and dreams for the future? We’ve talked about a few. I wonder what he thinks when he looks in the mirror at himself (which is often, usually flexing his muscles, which I call skin over bones). I pray he has some big dreams and when he tells people about them they also look at him like he’s slightly crazy. I pray he faces life head on and accepts stumbling blocks as challenges. I pray he is kind, that he loves God and others, and that he is fearless. Most of all, I just continue to pray for him and my other children as well, because I know we as parents can’t always be there. Life is funny and fast and crazy.

Today I wear Too Faced La Creme lipstick in Spice Spice Baby which is a pinky brown. I love these lipsticks because they are SUPER moisturizing. This color is an easy color to wear but on me, it does not have enough pink so I add a gloss. I love the name…make life spicy! Also, just to keep you updated…I have not yet done the blood test to check for tumor markers, my doctor has been on vacation but is back this week!  I’ll keep you posted!!

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Less Angry

21 Aug

OK. I have calmed down a little from my last post. Yes, I still have some of that underlying anger about my situation and the past four years of cancer toying with my mind and body, but I am starting to calm down (sorry to the CVS pharmacist that I unleashed my anger on).  A few days ago, I was making my usual rounds for work (I’m a sales rep), and one of my customers asked how I was feeling and if there was anything new. I don’t usually share that much with my customers so I was surprised when she asked. I told her about my recent ultrasound and that I was currently going through an ‘angry’ phase. Now, I don’t really know this woman that well because I have only been calling on her about 6 months so honestly, I’m not entirely sure how she knew about my health struggles. Anyhow, she left her desk, sat next to me, and looked me straight in the eye, and with tears in her eyes said, ‘I just found out I have a brain tumor and my operation is Tuesday (today)’. She said it was an ear ache that wouldn’t go away so they did an MRI. Wow. I was overwhelmed for her and the weight that was on her shoulders but was glad I was there to listen and share some hope. She asked me questions about my journey and about sharing illness with kids because she is a single mom. At the end of our conversation, we smiled and hugged and I told her I would see her in a few weeks when she was healthy and back to work.

Lessons:

  • Never assume or judge because you don’t know where they came from or what they are going through.
  • Focus on things that matter because your world can change in a day.
  • Share how you feel, tell the one’s you love that you love them over and over, because you may not get a second chance
  • Forgive and live a life with no regrets

Yes, I’m still angry but I think it’s been healthy for me since I’m generally a people pleaser, it’s ok. Today I’m wearing Covergirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Everlasting. These lipsticks are super-moisturizing and surprisingly long wearing. This color is kind of a plum/berry color which is great for summer and on trend for fall. I chose it because this is the color family I love and of course, the name. Friendship and love is everlasting, take the time to hold someone’s hand or give them a hug, nothing beats feeling like you matter!

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Angry

15 Aug

 

I recently read a post on cancer anger and loneliness written by someone who recently found out she was cancer free. I would reference her but I can’t seem to find the exact post I read. Anyhow, after reading about her current feelings it helped me sort out mine. Ever since the news from my ultrasound last week I have been trying to figure out how I feel (not to mention the fact that people close to me keep asking), and I haven’t been able to articulate exactly what I was feeling. I don’t think the news was terrible but I don’t think they were perfect either (perfect would’ve been ‘all clean, see you next year’). After reading her post, I knew what I felt. I am angry right now. Not crazy with anger, just resting in it. I’m angry about the news, the fact that I cannot seem to move forward, away from the cancer path of my life journey, the fact that I am always trying to overcome the changes in my body. If you’ve seen the movie Enchanted there is a scene where Giselle is trying to articulate to Robert how she is feeling,she gets all flustered and blurts out, ‘Angry…I feel so angry!’ but then she starts laughing. I believe she laughed because it was so freeing for her to feel it and say it. Well, here I am. I’m angry…so angry. It’s ok, I’m dealing with it and still functioning like a normal person, all with a smile on my face; and I know I will get over it. However this turns out, I know I will  go through a plethora of feelings but this seems new to me. I don’t think I allowed myself to get mad before, or maybe I just didn’t have the time between the surgeries, treatment, and the cancer coming back. For now, I rest easy in ‘angry’ mode and I know it’s probably normal…just don’t make me mad..just kidding.

Today I wear Tarte Glamazon Pure Performance Lipstick in Fierce. Remember, Tarte lipsticks are all natural so this contains amazonian clay and shea butter which help keeps this long lasting lipstick moist on your lips. I chose Fierce because it’s red and I’m feeling the name right now…watch out!

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Enough Already!

8 Aug

Cheers for a new day!

Today was an interesting day. I started off the day early with an ultrasound to my neck. Because of the experimental blood test I took 6 months ago showing I had no cancer cells, I was able to wait a full year before doing my ultrasound and PET scan. Last night I told myself that if he didn’t see anything today, to me, my cancer journey would officially be over and life would just be moving forward in my new ‘normal’. It has been a full year since my last ultrasound and already two years since my last surgery and external beam radiation, so again, a clean ultrasound today for me meant…officially over. Well, it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted. Keep in mind, I know this doctor. He has been the radiologist who has looked in my neck every 3-6 months for four years now. I have heard him say ‘there’s something there’ , ‘it’s back’, ‘you’re clean’, ‘see you next year’, etc…I have seen my doctors so many times that I understand their mannerisms and expressions. So today when he said, ‘hmmm, there’s some tissue there and it’s thick.’ What does that mean? ‘I’m not sure, but that’s exactly what I’m going to write on my notes. It’s thicker than last time, a year ago, when’s your PET scan?’ Not scheduled yet. ‘Oh, ok, you should probably schedule that.’ Is it good or bad? ‘I’m not sure, it’s just…more’. More what? ‘Do the PET scan.’

Needless to say, I left not knowing how to respond. Let’s just say I wasn’t overwhelmed with joy, but I wasn’t totally devastated either. I just felt nothing, so I went to work. I spoke to one of my friends a little while after and he said, ‘How do you do it?’ What? ‘Continue on normally with life, work, etc when you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for four years.’ You just do. As I thought about his question throughout the day I started getting a little angry. Yes, I’ve been on this rollercoaster for awhile and well, I want off. I have remained positive and strong thanks to my faith, family and friends, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking on thin ice and at anytime it could crack and I will drown. So here are my hidden feelings, things that I don’t usually share except with a select few. I hate this. I hate asking for prayers and help over and over again because I feel like a drainer of people. I hate that I have a harder time swallowing and breathing. I hate that my kids never quite know how to react or what to ask after every test. I’m sick of fighting with my body…fighter, survivor?  No, just always fighting. I hate sore throats and necks. Sometimes I don’t want to be positive , but truth is that if I do fall through the ice I’m afraid I would never resurface, so I keep skimming the top. No, I really am not afraid. I trust in God’s plan. Sounds hokey and religious to some, but that’s how it truly is for me. I’m not scared, I’m just sick of all this and I really don’t like to have to think about anymore. Unfortunately because of all my appointments and how my breathing, speaking, singing etc. have changed, I’m forced to.

Well, enough of my rant. Thank you for listening, praying, and supporting me always. Thanks to this blog, I can rant and rave and not keep those feelings hidden ,that’s worse, everyone needs an outlet, so find yours. For now I will move forward with my red lipstick on. Today I choose Nars lipstick in Fire Down Below (a color I’ve chosen before). Nars lipsticks are great for color, staying power, and of course the names, love this name….cheers!

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Loner

3 Aug

 

I recently saw a movie called ‘A Little Bit of Heaven’ starring Kate Hudson. It is available for rent or On Demand if you have cable television. WARNING!! SPOILER ALERT!! READ ON IF YOU DON’T CARE IF I TELL YOU HOW IT ENDS!!! Anyhow, it is about a woman whose life is going great; good friends, great career. All is well until she is diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer and is told she either starts treatment right away or she dies. She begins treatment right away and about half way through the movie she finds out the treatment is not working…therefore…well, you can guess. What made this movie unique for me was that unlike other ‘cancer’ or ‘death/illness related’ movies, it was not really a bucket list movie. You know the ones…’I’m dying so I have to accomplish these things before I go’  movies. No, this movie has the main character completely focused on her relationships, strengthening them and even repairing them. It shares her feelings as well as her friends’ and parents feelings and struggles during an extrememly difficult time. The main character is a happy-go-lucky girl, always smiling and positive, but not really ever revealing the turmoil inside, kind of a loner. It reminded me so much of my own thoughts and feelings and it exposed to me what my family and friends may have felt over the past few years in my own struggle with cancer. I sobbed the whole time and at the end I could barely breathe because of how hard I was crying…I’m glad I was alone! I think the last time I cried that much watching a movie was when I saw ‘The Champ’ in the late 70’s. What kid wouldn’t cry watching a dad die?

So here’s the truth about me, some of you already know because I’ve written about it before, I am also a loner. Before cancer I was also happy-go-lucky, always smiling and positive (I still try to be), but…like the character in the movie, it has always been difficult for me to have deep, authentic relationships. Of course I’ve had many close friends over the years, but very few that I can say were deep. Deep relationships take a lot of time to develop and are vulnerable and difficult , a position I did not want to be in. Dont get me wrong,  I love to listen to people, hear their struggles, share their pain, but as for me sharing…not so much, and of course, to have an authentic relationship it needs to go both ways, right? Now, that was BEFORE cancer. Like the character in the movie, cancer opened my heart and it has not been able to close back up. I CRAVE relationships, honesty, authenticity, openness, etc. so much so that when I feel like a friendship is just riding the surface it drives me crazy. Well, there were things I did not agree with in the movie but overall I thought it was spot on. In the end, it’s not about your stuff or your accomplishments, it’s about people and relationships and ultimately love. So if you feel like crying and seeing a real tearjerker movie, this one’s for you.

Today I am wearing Aquaphor on my lips. Tragedy happened this week when I got hives on my lips from one of my newer lip products!! That’s right, I was allergic to a lipstick I bought but since I had purchased a couple lip balms too, it has taken the whole week to narrow down which one it was and I still have a few spots that are irritated. If my lips weren’t so big everyone would have seen the hives!  So, it’s been Vaseline or Aquaphor as my gloss for the past few days while my lips calm down. I LOVE Aquaphor. It is a great skin treatment for severely dry or chapped skin that you can use on lips, elbows, hands, and one of my favorite things to do is put some on my feet and then put socks on at night. In the morning your feet look like you just had a pedi! Cherish your friends and family, open your heart!

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Unexpected

30 Jul

 

Just goofing off

Last week was a good week. If you recall, I had some different tests done the week before, last week was all about results. I really hate the cancer roller coaster of emotions. I wonder if there will ever be a day when whatever I’m feeling (a cold, a sore throat, or for that matter whatever lump or bump appears or disappears) will not be about cancer. Oh well, such is the life of a survivor or fighter, whatever. Anyhow, last Monday the tissue they saw on my optic nerve turned out to be just an extra bundle of nerves and tissue and was not abnormal. Wednesday, the MRI results showed I had a bulging disc in my neck explaining the numbness and tingling in my left arm; not related to the multiple surgeries in my neck or the radiation. Friday my laryngologist did a follow up check of my vocal cords and the hemorrhage on my right paralyzed cord is healing and my left vocal cord is starting to move again. Whew, now I wait for my ultrasound and those results in two weeks. From the extreme emotions and weaning off the high steroids, by Saturday, I was exhausted so I think I slept half the day. Life comes fast and furious sometimes. Cancer has introduced me to a whole new set of emotions and there always seems to be something unexpected that comes up, but it’s not all bad, each day is new and I choose to trust God….not fear.

Yesterday we dropped off all three kids at camp for the week. It was the first time for our youngest to go so I was sad to let him go yet excited for him and his new adventure. What was unexpected for me was how I felt saying good-bye to my oldest. I was proud and sad at the same time. He will be 15 in a few weeks and will be starting driver’s ed when he gets back from camp. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming but as I watched him walk away I was saddened at the fact that he is edging closer to legal adulthood. Have I done enough as a mom? Have we taught him well so far? Our time as parents molding and shaping our kids into adults is so short. I have great kids and I feel truly blessed.

Today I wear Bobbi Brown Creamy Lipcolor in Blue Raspberry. I LOVE Bobbi Brown lipsticks. Most of the colors have a brown base so they work for most skin tones. The Creamy Lipcolor is so moisturizing it feels like a balm but these have lots of shine and color. If you love lipgloss but need more color, these are for you. I chose Blue Raspberry because it’s a great berry tone for summer, and who doesn’t love blue raspberries?

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Breathless

23 Jul

Sunset over the Mediterranean Sea

 

Awhile back I bought a book called The Happy Book by Rachel Kempster for me and my daughter. It is essentially a journal with prompts; you can draw, tape pictures, or just write about things that make you happy. In the future, it can be used as a reference to look back at happy things and make you smile on the days where a smile is hard to find. Recently with the advent of some mixed health news, I put it in my car and started.  The very first entry was to list everything that makes you happy. My list currently has about 85 things listed and is not finished. I have to say while writing all these ‘happy’ things, I had a huge smile on my face. So, this weeks topic for my blogging group is ‘breathless’ which I thought tied into things that make me happy because some of the things  that make me happy are also things that take my breath away. Today I was left breathless when the doctor told me that the extra ‘something’ that was seen on my optic nerve was NOT cancer, just some nerve bundles, normal tisue. There are the small things that make me happy or take my breath away too, like chocolate cream pie, or just a really good candy bar, obviously a new lipstick, and even a hug from someone I love can leave me breathless. Then there’s the big and beautiful things like rainbows and sunsets and the colors of a flower in bloom; or even my kids laughter or watching them sleep. Then there are not so happy things that knock the wind out of you leaving you breathless. Things like hearing the phrase “you have cancer” or “the cancer’s back” or “yes, it’s back again,”; or when you get robbed or when your child is sick, etc. Both instances, good and bad, leave your heart racing and your mind turning in different directions. Both though, the good and the bad give you more life. They allow you to feel something and that’s how I want to live. I want life to take my breath away.

What is it that takes your breath away? For me, life leaves me breathless; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I read this quote last week and it has left an imprint on my mind because this is how I want to be…passionate, daring, and always a dreamer.

“When we focus our energy towards constructing a passionate meaningful life, we are tossing a pebble into the world creating a beautiful ripple effect of inspiration. When one person follows a dream, tries something new, or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels that energy, and before too long they are making their own daring leaps and inspiring yet another circle.”- Author Unknown

Today I wear Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Passion. This is a tinted lip balm with SPF 15 which comes in 5 sheer colors. I love these tinted balms because they’re packed with vitamins, have great color, and are not sticky (they’re just a little pricey). I chose Passion because I love the name but also, this one is the sheer candy red color…I LOVE it!!!

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