Tag Archives: breathe

“B”

15 Sep

Every time you meet someone you never know how you may impact their life or adjust their story; or even more importantly how they may change you.  When I was doing my radiation treatments I befriended a fellow patient who I’ll call ‘B’.  When you’re getting radiation treatments you go at about the same time every day because they want the level of radiation to remain consistent throughout the day. Of course then, you see the same people in the small radiation waiting room every day; some were only there for a few treatments or a few weeks, but ‘B’ and I were there every day for the whole seven weeks at the same time and our stories kind of run parallel. We both had an aggressive thyroid cancer that spread, we both had a parlyzed vocal cord, and we both had several surgeries. Thanks to Facebook, we found each other and now are able to support each other in our post cancer paths through e-mail. Recently I heard from both him and his wife because he suffered a small setback. Like myself, it has been increasingly more difficult to breathe and swallow, but for him, it was becoming impossible. He went back to the hospital and like me was told it was scar tissue that has built up since radiation. He suffered some complications and is still trying to recover with a new trach in his neck to help him breathe. My heart is so heavy because I feel his same fear and heartache. He talks about all the things he still wants to do with his family and I completely understand. Even though I only saw him for a half an hour every day for seven weeks, I care for him and he and his story have deeply affected me.

I know we are in a world of social media that has sucked us all in, and sometimes it can be viewed as bad because we have lost that personal face to face communication and touch, but in some ways it has been a blessing. I have been able to stay in touch with this friend who shared in the struggle of radiation and cancer. I have forged some deep friendships with people who I have never met; people who like me find it easier to express their thoughts and feelings through writing (and music). People like those in my bloggging group who leave their heart in their writing, I love them (you guys know who you are). For my special friend I met on Twitter…you are AWESOME! To my Thyca sisters Sarah, Bridget, Megan and others who I only know through Facebook and blogging…it’s awesome to know we all had the same fight and it was never easy! Yes, these virtual friendships are incredible and I’m thankful. Nothing is better than the personal face to face, but all friendships, if you put yourself out there, are wonderful. Each person has placed their imprint on my heart and it’s overwhelming. Each person you meet, even  briefly, can adjust your story, change your path, change your way of thinking…think about the power you have to do the same for them. Use your words wisely, love openly and the love and friendship you get back will amaze you. Thanks for being here and being a part of my story.

Today’s lipstick is Clinique Chubby Stick in Pudgy Peony which is a sheer fuscia pink. I like these glosses because they feel like lip balm and this color is just fun. They are ultra sheer but shouldn’t friendship be like that? Transparent? Cheers!

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Tired

30 Aug

I’m tired. I’m just going to ramble on about different things that have been bothering me so please bear with me. First, I still have not done any bloodwork to confirm or deny tumors…it’s been three weeks but my doctor is finally back from vacation so I will see him soon. Since my ultrasound a few weeks ago, I have had that underlying anger issue, remember (refer to ‘Angry’)?. I am a sales rep, have been for over 20 years. Sure it’s a fine career, but generally speaking, the customer is always first. So…when you are in a bad mood or an ‘angry’ mood, or if you have a bunch of personal issues going on…well, you still have to smile and be on your ‘A’ game…talk about a great paying acting gig, it’s exhausting. I thought I was done acting since switching my degree to science in college. What else…you know those relationships that you think may be solid then all of a sudden you feel a little pushback just when you think you may really need their friendship? yeah. Hmm, I am so busy with the three kids and the school year ramping up again it’s not even funny. One in elementary and one in Jr High and one technically starting high school, throw in there the beginnings of football for the youngest, travel basketball for the oldest, and dance for the middle, etc.., it’s hard to catch my breath. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, with allergy season and of course, all the issues with my neck, it’s hard to breathe. I saw my speech pathologist recently who told me that because of everything I have gone through, including the hemorrhage on my vocal cord which happened on our vacation last month, my remaining vocal cord is weak which explains my breathing and also my weaker voice. She gave me a couple different contraptions I can use in the car to help exercise and strenghthen that area…it’s exhausting.

Can I just sleep for awhile? The other thing is this, I want to still be active but my body does not match up to what my mind thinks it can do. Most of my life there has been at least one person telling me I couldn’t do something. You can’t do this or do that, you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, tall enough…whatever. I have always looked at that as the ultimate challenge..PROOVE.THEM.WRONG. Well, surprise, I can’t run like the wind anymore, bike fast, dance like crazy, kickbox because my breathing will not let me and it’s irritating!! I am starting back up in ballet soon because it is the one type of dance I think I can control my breath in. I have also decided to try a few more 5K runs not because I’m stupid or crazy, but because I need to. I want to at least feel like I’m the boss of my body if even just a little bit, plus the wind on my face makes me feel free. Strange, huh? Hard to explain. That’s enough, I’m done. Now to focus on the peace that passes all understanding…Ahhh

Today’s lipstick is Lancome Rouge in Love lipstick in Fiery Attitude. Can you guess why I picked it? anyhow, it’s a beatiful wine color which would be great for fall. These lipsticks have ALOT of pigment and are fairly long lasting. The texture is super light on the lips but again since it’s longer lasting it’s a bit drying for me. Pretty anyway!

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Insomnia

8 May

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. Do you ever feel like there’s not enough time in the day?  I read a quote last week which said, “Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within.” That statement really impacted me because that’s how I feel after cancer. I have a fire within to make some type of difference. With my voice still intact despite all the surgeries, radiation treatments, and the loss of one vocal cord, I feel like I might have something to say. With my new found passion for writing, my book, my blog, etc, I feel I may have lots more I need to write. With the people my job allows me to meet and those currently in my life, I feel the need to hear people’s stories because there are so many, and do what, write them down? All the stories, all the backgrounds help me appreciate my own and make me a richer more loving person. With my new found health and passion for life I feel I might be preparing for something to do…I just don’t know what.  All I know is that I’m awake and at times, overcommitted, and add to that all the lipstick…it’s just crazy.

What do you do when you have a burning passion to do something and don’t know which direction to take because you’re not exactly sure what that passion is? ‘To make a difference’ sounds too broad right? I’m curious, really, what do you do? Yes I know I spoke about purpose in my last blog and I still believe that people are the purpose for where we are. For me though, after all this cancer junk, at the end of the day it’s hard for me to sleep because it’s another day, another 24 hours, gone and I’m just wishing I could have done more with that time…. another risk, another phone call, another letter, whatever, just more. I guess for now, I will pray and go about my days with eyes and arms wide open. Eyes open for whatever may lie ahead. Arms wide open to people.  Notice anything with the picture above? There are two rainbows…don’t miss the moments.

Today I wear Dior Addict Ultra lipgloss in Flash which I’m sad to say was a limited color a few months ago ( a close relative would be Outrageous Fuscia or Sari Pink). What I love about the Dior lipglosses is they are so moist and not sticky. They add a hint of color and are beautiful.  Right now, they are my favorite lipglosses. I chose the color Flash because the name reminds me that life goes by so quickly!

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Nature vs. Nurture

8 Nov

I have had a crazy, stressful week this past week.  I eluded to a certain situation in my last blog and this week everything exploded and I was caught in the firestorm.  Everything revolved around a single person and their actions which finally caught up to them.  I’ve always wondered if bad choices really ever caught up to some people (because some seem to get away with a lot more than others), well now I know, sooner or later they do.  It was interesting watching everything unfold and because I’m always curious about people’s stories, I wondered what this person’s story was that made him who he was today.  It raises the question. ‘nature or nurture’?  Did God make us this way or did our environment create us into who we are today.  I say both.  One of my husband’s favorite phrases when he’s on a stubborn streak is, ” That’s how God made me and no one can change that.”  I believe that to an extent but I also believe that environment can soften and mold us.  I can only imagine the type of person he would’ve been had his parents not reigned him in. I believe we are all created with unique personalities and temperaments but I think our families, friends, and the environment we are raised in mold us too; and then of course, the different choices we make throughout our lifetime direct us one way or another.

People are funny and interesting and knowing people’s stories not only help you understand them more, but accept them and love them too.  I’m not saying that you have to accept their decisions or how they treat you, but it gives you a better handle on things in terms of ‘being the change’ for people (even if it means walking away).  I’m hoping this event may precipitate a change for the better but who knows.  I read a quote which says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced”-J. Baldwin.  I understand we need to face our challenges or challenging people head on whether change happens or not.  Maybe it’s just to plant the seed or to be a part of that ‘nurture’. We all have a voice and I’m so thankful after cancer that I still have mine.  We need to use it not only to spark change but to be a blessing to others.

This week I wear Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color in Crimson.  It’s a rich, deep, wine-red, color and the newest to my ever expanding collection.  It’s great for the holidays and red is always that reminder to for me to live life to the fullest…wear it like you mean it!

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Popularity

2 Nov

 

I was never very popular in school.  I wasn’t the prettiest or the most witty, no, I was the super shy, quiet, smart girl that sat in the middle of class; not in the front, not in the back.  I was not really invited to any parties and never really had a date until my senior year.  The only time my shyness was banished was when I sang.  Music stirred my heart, and my emotions were always transported through my voice.  I was not really depressed about not being part of the popular crowd because I was kind to everyone and had many friends because of that.  The flip side to that is that I was (and still am somewhat) a people pleaser.  Now, I have three kids, one of which is a teenager who just recently asked me about popularity.  He is the starting quarterback for the football team but he asked why it feels like all the trouble makers seem to be the popular kids.  I tried to do the ‘don’t worry about it be kind to others and be confident in yourself’ talk, but I remember feeling the same way.  It is so hard.

Recently, I’ve had to deal with a situation at work where I had to stand up to something that disturbed the status quo.  It has been very difficult for me.  I haven’t slept that well, and I’ve lost weight from the stress.  I realized that in my quest to ‘go along with things’ or to be popular, I have lost my own opinion and ‘gumption’.  For me, wanting to be popular equates to wanting to be liked by everyone and with my work situation, there are definitely people that will not be pleased in the end.  It is virtually impossible to please everyone and to be liked by everyone.  I told my son that more important than being popular is knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Popularity changes with each second of the clock so it’s critical to be true to yourself and stand on the foundation that God made everyone unique. I stepped forward at work and said something ,and even though I’m stressed about the decision, I know it was the right thing to do.  It’s a risk to be yourself, not caring whether your opinion is well liked or not, but it’s important.  Don’t lose your voice just to be liked or popular.  We were all created for a unique purpose and if we try to be like someone else, we lose a little. 

Today I wear Lancome’ Color Design lipstick in Curtain Call.  It is a sheer deep raspberry which looks amazing on my medium skintone, it’s great for the season.  Not only is it a great color, it’s got a great name.  This is your curtain call.  Wouldn’t it be great to come out as you?

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Safe Haven

19 Oct

Today I had an appointment with my brilliant speech pathologist.  She has a PhD in speech pathology and also a love for music.  She has worked with opera singers and world renown choirs  so I trust her immensely with my fragile vocal cords.  If you’ve been following my story, you know that I am a singer and it is a deep passion for me.  You also know that the first surgery for my cancer permanently paralyzed my right vocal cord.  Eventually, cancer continued to spread handicapping my left vocal cord.  I have worked with Dr. Menaldi (and voice specialist Dr Rubin, MD) each and every time to restore my voice constantly giving me hope that I will speak well and I will sing again.  Through hard work and their constant encouragement I have been able to sing again (miraculously). Last June when the doctors saw cancer cells once again on PET scan, I gave up trying to rehab because I didn’t see the point.  Of course,  in September when ultrasound showed no tumors, I decided to resume and now I am back to ground zero.  Back in June I gave up on the singing, I grieved and I finally let it go. Today Dr. Menaldi said ‘no’.  My neck has taken a beating, but she will work with me until I am singing fully once again.  I never thought a doctor’s office would be a safe haven for me.  Since I have been diligently coming to this office for almost four years now, I have become friends with not just the doctors, but the staff.  They know my story, they have cried with me and encouraged me.  They have seen me at my worst and have followed my cancer journey every step of the way (not by choice of course).

It hasn’t always been easy for me to open up and be vulnerable, but illness left me with no choice.  I feel very fortunate to have quite a few ‘safe havens’; places where I can be myself, free from the worry of what others may think.  I count my friends and family, my home, and now my doctor’s office as safe havens for me (in my case, I also have to include the lipstick counters).  We all need at least one place because if you’re anything like me, it would be so easy to withdraw and have the only safe haven in the confines of your own brain…totally not safe!  So wherever it may be, a doctor’s office, a lipstick counter, or the comfort of your own room, find a place where you can be you to take the pressure off having to answer “everything’s fine”  all the time!

Today I wear Tarte Lipsurgence Liptint in Moody.  It is sheer deep berry colored stain which I love. I also love the name because sometimes I am moody (especially if my thyroid meds are off), and the people associated with my safe havens let me be that way!

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Memories

4 Oct

This past week I went to dinner with a group of girls, well women, that I was in a sorority with in college.  It was a mini-reunion of sorts.  Most of them I hadn’t seen in twenty years.  Prior to attending I debated going of course.  I wondered what we would still have in common after all these years.  I wondered if we would be able to keep a conversation (of course we would, we’re women after all).   I even wondered if I  still looked good, young, etc to go (dumb, I know), I mean we’re ALL twenty years older.  Anyhow, I stopped wondering and stopped looking for excuses and went.  It was great, it actually felt the same as it did 20 years ago.  I wasn’t close to all of these women back in college (some were younger, some older), but we had things in common.  We all went to the same college, lived in the same house, knew the same stories, and had memories from that time we could all laugh about.  I was also able to see one of my roommates and closest friends, Anne.  I believe the last time I physically saw her was as a bridesmaid at my wedding almost 20 years ago.  She still lives far away, but the timing was right and she happened to be in town.  Most of us are married, most of us are moms, and more than likely, most of us struggle with similar things on a daily basis.  We shared lots of laughs and memories of old boyfriends and different events (some of which I don’t think I wanted to remember).  It was not time wasted.

Me and Anne

I read a quote which said, ‘ Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.’ The Wonder Years  The simple line that struck me was, ‘the things you are.’  Our memories, our past make us who we are today; we can’t erase or forget them.  Having cancer and going on that roller-coaster ride of emotions and memories I would rather forget has made me the person I am right this minute.  I am more self-aware and more selfish with my time, but I am also, stronger and braver.  As much as I want to move forward and forget the past few years, I realize that it’s the past that has given me this current strength.  We cannot live in the past and we also cannot base our lives on the memory of how we used to be.  We grow and mold ourselves daily based on our experiences and new memories.  Use your memories, both good and bad, to help you become wiser and stronger.

Today I wear Mally High Shine Liquid Lipstick in Blossom-a beautiful mauvey/plum because everyday, we blossom into someone new.

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Next…

21 Sep

OK, I admit it, I’ve been neglecting the rest of my body (from the neck down, that is).  For the past four years I have been back and forth to the hospital because of the cancer that keeps coming back to my neck, add in all the mood swings and craziness, well, my neck has been my sole focus for a long time.  What’s worse is that when cancer cells were found again last June, I got mad at the rest of my body.  I stopped exercising, I ate more junk food and candy, I drank a little more, etc…I thought to myself that if my body wasn’t going to cooperate, well, I’ll do what I want.

Since my recent ultrasound showed no tumors and now that my body is totally out of shape and feels like jello, I’m done.  I will be nicer to my body while I reacquaint myself with everything outside of my neck.  I am starting with a mammogram.  I am officially two years late on getting my baseline reading so today, my ‘girls’ will get special treatment and recognition.  I pray that they have no special ‘friends’ that have been hanging around with them.  I am also going to start exercising again, not just my body, but also my vocal cords.  I have allowed my cords to get tight and now, I definitely cannot sing and after a full day of talking, I end my days with a sore throat.

As fall in Michigan starts and the leaves begin changing colors, I will make peace with the rest of me.  We are given one life and one body and there are very few things we can control.  Despite the invasion of my neck, I can and should continue giving the rest of me my best (and you should too).  Treat your body well and once again, since it is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month and thyroid cancer is one of the top cancer’s on the rise, check your neck!

Today I wear Nars-Fire Down Below (a matte blood red), because my body below my neck is screaming for attention!

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Challenge

22 Aug

This morning I was driving an hour to my first appointment and I started feeling sorry for myself.  The sun was out, I was off to work, my kids were being taken care of by my visiting in-laws today, and we had just come off a great weekend of visiting a themepark (always fun people watching at those places) and just overall relaxing.  I got mad.  I was mad because without the cancer, life is really great.  I asked myself why I still had to be here, year after year, scan after scan, still showing cancer????  I was mad that my family and my friends had to go through this again and I hate being the downer of the group.  The one who has to say, ‘yes, it’s still there,’ or ‘yup, got cancer again.’  I really want to be normal and worry about normal things like what I should wear tomorrow or if my shoes match.  Is this my new normal?  I guess it is, and I’m not happy about it.  Being sick sucks.  I don’t look sick, I don’t feel sick and yet some small cell in my body is trying to take over.  I truly am ok with whatever may happen to me, I’m not ok with the fact that my family and friends have to worry about me again.  I’m sad for them, I’m mad for them.  I’m mad that my kids have to wonder how it’s all going to turn out, I’m mad that my parents,  friends, and the rest of the family have to ask how I’m doing and be afraid of the answer.

I read a quote today, “Life challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”-Bernice Johnson Reagan (thanks Jennifer).  Well, I thought I had me figured out the first, second, and third time, but now I’m getting a little confused.  It’s that roller coaster again and today, yes, I’m mad about it.  Sorry to vent, it’s frustrating.  Is this challenge paralyzing me?  Of course not and I continue discovering new aspects of myself.  In fact, I hope I am becoming a better version of myself daily.  We should all strive to do that, cancer or not.

Today I wore Sue Devitt lipstick in Australian Bight.  On me it’s RED (I probably looked like a Geisha, oh well).  I know it gave me the fighting spirit to forge ahead.  In the next few weeks I will be seeing my radiation oncologist and getting another ultrasound to see if the tumor is growing so I am putting out a challenge.

I would like to put out a ‘RED LIPSTICK CHALLENGE’ for those of you who love life and have the fighting spirit.  Wear red lipstick daily for three weeks and e-mail me how you felt and any stories you would like to share.  With your permission, I will share a few anonymously.  For the men reading my blog, carry something red in your car or pocket as a reminder to live life and e-mail me too.  You can send all e-mails to lipstickjourney@att.net.

I can’t wait to read your stories!  Here are some suggestions for reds:  Bobbi Brown Burnt Red, Smashbox Marvelous, Lancome Merlot, Bare Escentuals Buxom gloss in Brandi, Covergirl Natureluxe Cabernet, Burt’s Bees Red Dahlia tinted lipbalm.  Have fun!

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Blessings

15 Aug

I sat down and played the piano and sang tonight for the first time since starting my new job last June.  I picked the song Blessings by Laura Story and I almost could not make it through.  The words struck a chord with me and it made me cry.  The chorus goes like this….”What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?…What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise?”

Think about it. Why do bad things happen to good people?  That of course, is the question of the century and I don’t know the answer.  For me, I stand on my faith which tells me that yes, God knows what He is doing and that His plan (although not mine) is perfect.  Looking back on my journey with all the twists and turns, I have had blessings beyond belief and all on His time frame.  I have met and am still meeting incredible people.  I have seen kindness and compassion and love from people I have only known for a short period of time.  I am talking and even singing with one vocal cord.  Despite the constant attack on my neck by the cancer cells that won’t go away, I am not defeated, I am alive.  I am amazed at how blessed I am.  Like the words of the song say,  what if our blessings come through raindrops?  Through my tears I have seen rainbows.  I still have hope and I know that God’s plan for me (and you) is an amazing one.

Today I wear Mally lip gloss in Life is Fuscia.  It is a sheer hot pink lip gloss which is perfect for August.

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