Tag Archives: external beam radiation

Behind The Smile

24 Apr

Last week I had a routine exam with my radiation oncologist.  Unlike my other doctor appointments I see him at the hospital instead of an office or clinic. These appointments are especially emotional because I am back in the hospital in the same area/waiting room where I waited every day for seven weeks to get zapped with radiation for a half an hour. Looking around the lobby you see the same thing. All kinds of people, different colors and ages, with different types of cancer waiting their turn. Usually they are there with a caregiver, some are there alone. I couldn’t help but feel for them, especially the really young and the really old. Radiation is no walk in the park. It’s difficult and painful and near the end, it takes all your strength away. I tried to make eye contact and smile at everyone, but there was so much sadness and fear. I sat there very thankful that I was there for a routine check up and nothing else, but the crowded room always takes my breath away.

I also got the chance to meet with a couple girlfriends of mine over lunch (two different friends, two different meetings). They are very similar in current ‘life’ situations. Both excelling in their careers, both young(ish), and both single moms. If you saw either one of them they would be the ones that look put together, always social, always smiling and accomodating. What makes them miles different is their stories up to this point and what’s behind the smile. One has had outstanding family support and love throughout and one has not. One is confident in who she is and believes she can move forward confidently and one questions if her decisions have been right, she even has difficulty forgiving herself despite the support of her friends. We are so molded by our histories, they affect how we look at life and ourselves. When you talk to people and question how they are why they are, first ask them where they came from.

What’s behind a smile? In the waiting room, I was smiling, but inside I was sad for those around me and overcome with emotion at how far I’d come. Behind one friend’s smile was hope and excitement for the future, my other friend had uncertainty and sadness behind her smile. Yesterday we got the news that a 14 year old relative passed away. He had many friends and did well in school but no one knew what was behind that smile. Love people, listen to their stories, love your kids and tell them often. We all need validation and care.

Today I wear Kat Von D Painted Love Lipstick on Prayer. This lipstick is a mauvey-brown color which pretty much any skintone can wear…very neutral. This particular formula from Kat Von D is rich in color and fairly moisturizing; it also lasts a very long time! I chose this color today mainly because if the name (although I do have this one in my bag for everyday). I lift up in prayer all those who are hurting behind their smiles.

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Coffee Anyone?

28 Mar

This morning I met a friend for coffee. She is going through a difficult time (it seems like it’s going around) and I wanted to just spend a little time with her to listen. For 20 minutes I listened to her stories, we laughed a little, and cried a lot. She was able to share her feelings, her questions about what was going on, and also share her frustrations; and although I did not have answers for her and I’m very careful about giving out advice, I was there. How long does it take you to enjoy one cup of coffee? By the end of our one cup of coffee, we had deepened our friendship, even if it was deepened only a fragment.

I admit it, I am not that great of a friend. I am a natural introvert (which is why I have a lifetime of journals, literally since I was 8 years old). I know it’s surprising to even some of my closest friends to hear because I am in sales and I have been a performer all my life. I went to a leadership seminar once and took one of those personality tests and I was told that I am an introvert but a forced extrovert…a 5 on a scale from 1 being total introvert to 10 being total extrovert.  Whatever. All I know is that I don’t enjoy talking on the phone that much so I believe texting was actually invented for me. Since I am forced to talk and socialize all day for my job, as an introvert, I actually have to recharge myself at different times of the day, and in order to do that, I have always read, played the piano, or listened to music…no talking…alone. If I don’t get that time in the day I feel stressed.

Relationships though, take time. Talking, face to face, or on the phone. Since cancer, I have learned many things and have chosen to live a little differently. For one thing, I have chosen to invest more into people. We live in an incredibly fast paced society and our communication (as much as I love texting) has become impersonal. People have become less friendly and more protective of themselves. I get it, life is hard, the economy stinks, the stories you hear on the news get worse and worse. One thing I did learn is that in the end, we need each other. When I couldn’t speak, people would sit with me and speak to me, tell me stories of their day and just tell me stuff, I loved it. I love to listen and hear people’s stories because it gives you a glimpse into the experiences that have molded them, it also gives you a glimpse into their heart. I read a quote that said, “Our life is a storybook we write for ourselves; wonderfully illustrated by the people we meet.”(unkown author)

My commitment is to have a cup of coffee at least once a week with a friend, old or new, just to listen or to deepen a relationship. It is my challenge to you. It doesn’t take that long and yet relationship with others is what we yearn for. I may or may not share a story or two, but it could get interesting. Make yourself available, 20 minutes is not that long.

Today’s lipstick is Revlon Coffee Bean (I coudn’t resist). It is a shimmery light brown color which actually looks great on tan skin in the summer. I have worn this lipstick off and on for at least the last 15 years. Revlon lipsticks go on smooth and are moisturizing, I like them. My only problem is that you can’t try them on so I have made too many mistakes to guess which is right for me. Coffee anyone?

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Vacation

25 Feb

Audrey's Rainbow

This week my family spent the week on vacation in the Dominican Republic. We started our vacation last Saturday in the wee hours of the morning literally running to our airplane because we waited 10 minutes for the parking shuttle, then the lines were outrageous, then of course after security, we found out our terminal was at the very end of the airport. Thankfully the direct flight went without a hitch. Upon our arrival, we were greeted with beautiful weather and friendly people, what we weren’t expecting was the mass confusion and chaos at their very small airport. Our flight arrived almost an hour early, exactly the same time 4 other flights arrived leading thousands of people pushing and shoving their way to three customs agents. After two and a half hours, we finally hopped on a bus to our hotel which was filled to capacity. So much so, they overbooked the family suites and separated my husband and I from the kids by four rooms plus an elevator hallway. No, I didn’t sleep that night and immediately requested a change the next day. Fortunately, many were checking out leaving us two adjoining rooms…all was well. We spent all day at the beach and in the pool and at the end of our first full day, my husband came down with a severe sinus infection leaving him stuck in the room the next day and a half with fever and chills. The rest of the time went well, besides the one incident with my son eating something with nuts (he’s allergic), and my other son having to be pulled in as he drifted out to sea by a strong riptide, oh, and at night the mosquito hunts in our rooms….our time overall was awesome. We spent time as a family in beautiful 80 degree weather, body surfing the waves, and relaxing in the pool. All of the ‘minor’ incidents on this vacation will be funny memories.

Pretending to be a Rockstar

Isn’t that true of life in general? We all sit around waiting for the ‘big’ stuff to happen; getting to the hotel for the vacation to finally start, the dream job, the big break, the lottery win, etc, but truly it’s all the little or ‘minor’ things that make a life. In fact, sometimes when we look back, the things we thought were little were actually the big things we missed while waiting. Our vacation started Friday night after school and work, not Saturday night when we finally got to the hotel. Don’t miss out, don’t dwell on the little stumbling blocks or mishaps, it could ruin your vacation, or day, or life. Soak up life and laugh about it, it’s funny sometimes!

Today I wear Korres Lip Butter in Plum. It’s kind of a sheer berry which would look great on anyone. Korres is an all natural brand which is a plus and this particular lip butter is super moisturizing with just enough color. I would say that it was the only lipstick I brought with me, but you all know me better than that; but, it is the only thing I wore, the others just took up space!

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Answers!

16 Feb

The wait is over…almost 4 weeks ago blood was taken from me and shipped to California for an experimental blood test that could detect cancer cells. If you have followed my story you know that I not only have a strangely aggressive thyroid cancer which has kept coming back, but I also have thyroglobulin antibody. In the majority of thyroid cancer patients, thyroglobulin level changes in blood is used to detect cancer, but for me, I am in the select few whose body has an antibody against that. Because of that, I have had to have alternating PET scans and ultrasounds every three months to detect my cancer. Add that to the radiation drink (which I later found out my body is resistant to) and seven weeks of external beam radiation and I should be glowing. Fortunately for me, a couple things happened, some physician/scientist discovered this test that would work for people like me, and my personal doctor happened to be at a conference when he talked about it in December. The test is not yet available to the public (it will be very soon) but since the two of them met and personally talked about my case, they agreed to check my blood.

Today I got the call that I am cancer free. If you have had cancer multiple times you beam with excitement for about 30 seconds and then hesitate and say ,”Are you sure?” which is what I said to my doctor, followed by, “How accurate is this test?”  He told me that he was fully confident in this test to the point that he said ,”I’m going to say we repeat all tests in a year.”  A YEAR? I’m used to seeing him every 3 months followed with bloodwork and some type of scan. I told him a year was too long for me and he said his door would always be open. He said if I needed to see him every week he would not say no. My doctors have become my friends and comfort. I have had to lean on them so much over the past four years and when I don’t see them, I miss them. A year seems so long.

For now I feel great. My last post was about do overs with my day starting awesome and ending, well, not so awesome. Today my day started not so awesome (been battling flu like symptoms all week passed along from one family member to another), but is ending on a high note. I still have that hesitant joy, but I’ll let loose for now because I know God is in control.  Thank you all for your continued support and for joining me in this crazy lipstick journey!

Today, actually right this minute, I’m swiping Lancome Le Absolu Rouge in Merlot on my lips. It is an impossibly GORGEOUS deep red which is great for going out. Yes, I know it’s late, I don’t care…maybe I’ll walk in the kitchen after this and end the day with an actual glass of Merlot…cheers.

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Do-over

14 Feb

Ever have one of those days? You know what I’m talking about. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks because I can’t seem to shut my brain off. Yes, I’m still waiting for my test results (refer to last weeks’ post), I’ve been thinking about the kids, my job, vacation, blog posts, anything and everything. I feel relaxed until about 10pm, then, I don’t know what happens, my brain just clicks on and it takes a LONG time for it to shut off.

Well, Sunday night I had one night of sleep ‘bliss’. It was fantastic, I think it was one of those pure exhaustion-can’t possibly do one more thing-heavy eyelids kind of sleep. The next morning I felt like I could conquer the world. I had that extra spring in my step, a wider smile on my face, the sun was out and BAM just like that I felt like a new woman! As I got ready for work I just couldn’t get over how great it felt to truly sleep, I even had extra time left after getting all the kids ready and off to school. Driving to my first account, as the sun was beaming on my face on this strangely ‘warm’ Michigan winter morning a squirrel decided to cross my path, thus started the decline of the day. I couldn’t slam my brakes because there was a car behind me. After hearing the ‘thunk’ I glanced at my rear-view mirror and yup, all I saw was the tail waving in the wind. 25 feet later at a traffic light I look back and the driver of the car behind me (which had also run over the squirrel) is CRYING! I hoped it wasn’t about the squirrel, but I know it was because she was also looking in her rearview mirror. I hated the thought of the pain I caused the squirrel and the other driver, but it just happened. Walking into my first account I say to the receptionist, “Wow, you’re busy today, but hey it’s Monday,right?” She replies, “Is it?” Confusion hits and she says, “Anna, it’s Tuesday.” Wow, I missed a day, duh. On to the next office… surprise, I locked my keys in my car. All of this before 10 am.

Oh how easy it is for little things to ruin our mood. Here’s the best part,( something I told myself over and over), tomorrow’s a new day. We don’t get many, if any, do-overs in life, but we do get experience and a fresh start every morning so there’s always something to look forward to—life.

Today I wear Laura Mercier Sheer Lip Color in Sexy Lips. It’s a sheer red, great for any skintone. I love the texture and chose it just because.

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Questions

1 Feb

Last week a study was published about cancer survivors and stress (I wish I had the exact link, but I can’t seem to track it down). The study was done in Europe and it was to see if survivors have less stress in their daily lives because the battle was so intense and stressful already. There were about 200 post cancer patients included and monitored through quiestionnaires. What was interesting was the conclusion stated that cancer survivors actually have less stress regarding different life events and daily happenings but stress more from people and relationships. Hmmm. After thinking about it awhile, it’s true. If I miss an appointment, if I’m in the ‘wrong’ line at the grocery store, if I’m in unexpected traffic, oh well, there are many things in life we can’t control so I don’t stress about  that stuff  much anymore. What stresses me out more now are people;  people at work who will do anything to get recognized and move ahead, people who complain non-stop, people who are rude just because, people who pass judgement before they know you, people who expect the world from everyone else but won’t lift a finger themselves, people who feel entitled, the list goes on. I stress because I just want to shake them and tell them all that in the end, it really doesn’t matter. We have today, we have each other and that’s all. I’m exhausted thinking about it but I do realize that we are all flawed and no one is perfect. What is it that everyone truly wants in life? Fame? Recognition? No, people want to be loved and validated, to know they matter. For me, I think I stress less if I can dig deeper into their story, understand where they’re coming from and realize it’s not my job to change them, it’s just my job to love them for who they are. Love God , love others. Treat your neighbor the way you want to be treated. Sounds simple enough….

On another note, this week has been a long week for me already. What’s today? Wednesday? Well, it’s been busy and I’m exhausted. I can’t seem to sleep because my brain is in overdrive. Not about anything in particular, just a million random thoughts and questions. I would love it if you could leave some comments or answers to some of these questions so I could get better sleep so here goes:

* Is there any time when a mom doesn’t feel like a taxi driver for her kids?

* Is it harder to have needy teens or needy infants? I’m going with teens

* Is there really a dream job out there for everyone, not just a career but a calling with pay?

* Why is Jennifer Lopez’s skin so flawless and luminous on American Idol when I am her age, hormonal, and am struggling with both oily and dry patches? Oh yeah, and her hair? Just sayin…

* Will there ever be a day when I don’t think that my cough, sore throat, headache, or whatever ailment I have at the time is cancer coming back?

* Do moms ever get a good night’s sleep?

* Why is there Twitter, how does it really work, what am I missing? I have almost 500 followers and don’t know what I’m supposed to be tweeting…sorry

* Why can’t kids live without electronics anymore?

* How long must a friendship go on before you both can get ‘real’?

* How can I cut back on sugar when I’m a chocoholic requiring a little something sweet after every meal?

* How much coffee is ‘safe’ to drink every day and what causes cancer?

Well, there’s your sneak peak into my brain, seriously, it won’t stop and I have many more questions in there. I’d appreciate any insight  you may have. Today’s lipstick is Buxom Big and Healthy Lip Cream Lip Polish in Creamsicle. It was one of  my faves as a child. I chose it because it feels like spring in Michigan right now and wasn’t life easier when you were a kid?

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Why Stop?

11 Dec

I’ve been feeling kinda funky lately. A few weeks ago I had breakfast with my vocal coach Marie.  I hadn’t seen her in at least a year, in fact the last time we saw each other was 2 months after my last radiation treatment.  Sure, we kept up with email and Facebook, but this was our first face to face.  It was emotional because she was an integral part of recovering my singing voice after my first couple of surgeries. We were able to catch up on life and everything which had transpired. At the end of our meeting she asked when I would start voice lessons again.  Later the same week I had an appointment with my speech pathologist, again someone integral to my voice recovery. Dr Menaldi has always been there after each surgery helping me not only regain control of my breathing, but also strengthening the voice I was left with. At this particular appointment I told her I had seen Marie and she was excited that I would try to sing again. I told her I wasn’t sure that’s what I wanted and she said, “Of course that’s what you want, doesn’t singing still bring you joy?” Fast forward a few days later when I ran into a former music director. He asked how I was feeling and asked if I could still sing, I replied that I may be able to but am not sure I want to.  He asked the same thing, “Does it still bring you joy?” Most of you know that singing and music has always been a lifelong passion for me, it has always come easy and I have been fortunate to be able to sing at differnet venues throughout my life. When my nerve was cut during the first surgery leaving my vocal cord paralyzed, I grieved the singing, but it came back.  Cancer came back a second time and I grieved that part of me again, but my singing voice fought back. Cancer attacked yet a third time and it took a little more; not only the trauma from the surgeries, but also the massive doses of radiation have wreaked havoc on my voice and breathing. My voice has not been the same and yes I can still sing, but it requires so much thought, control and effort.  When I was told that there were cancer cells yet again last June, I gave up on the singing.  I was tired of grieving over my voice and trying to hang on to it, that I let it go. With these questions the past couple of weeks singing has been brought back to my mind…does it still bring me joy? Do I still want to try?

Tonight I went to my dad’s Christmas choir concert and watching him sing almost brought me to tears. I saw the excitement of the people singing together and just hearing the live music and watching the joy on my dad’s face just being a part, well, it was overwhelming. My dad is 70+ years old and here he was, still doing something he loved and was passionate about. I love music and I love to sing. I miss it and yes, it does bring me joy. I believe God gives us gifts and talents and passions and He gave me my music. I am tired of grieving over what I still currently have. Do we all do that? Give up before trying? Grieve over something or someone before it’s even gone? Is it fear of the unknown?

What are you passionate about? What lies in your heart that you are curious about and have not taken that step toward? What is holding you back?  My lesson was this again…life is short, too short to grieve what I still have. I miraculously still have my voice and my voice teacher and speech pathologist (along with my laryngologist, Dr Rubin) all tell me that there is nothing that can stop me from singing, so why did I stop trying? Despite a parlayzed vocal cord and some damage from radiation to the other, I can still sing and it’s a miracle. The only thing that was stopping me was me. Press on in your journey, don’t let yourself be the stumbling block.

Today I wear Smashbox True Color lipgloss in Fame. It is a beautiful rosy plum sheen with a lot of moisture (great for this time of year). I chose it not only for the color, but for the name. ‘Fame’ of course was one of the many shows I watched when I was younger that fed my love of music and the arts!

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Bucket List

28 Nov

I have always been a dreamer.  When I was younger, I dreamed of being little orphan Annie on Broadway (kinda impossible because I’m Filipino).  Then, when Grease came out, I dreamed of being Sandy…again, impossible. In my mind I knew those were not the roles for me, but I never gave up on the dream of singing and dancing on a stage.  Thinking back, I never really had any other dreams or goals besides that.  Fortunately in my short 40+ years of life, I have been on many a stage.  I’ve been on television, radio, and I even got my chance to sing on a Broadway stage (not quite in a show…long story for another day).  When I received the call that my cancer had returned a few years back, I reassessed what my dreams and goals were.  I knew singing may be over for me (because of my paralyzed vocal cord and where my cancer was), but I sat and thought about the things I would want to do if I had nothing stopping me.  My list included writing a book, learning a new instrument, mastering a new language, running a marathon among other things.  As I looked at the list when I finished, I wondered what took me so long?  Learning a new instrument or langauge?  Just start. Training for a marathon, writing a book?  Just start.

Why does it take a slap on the face with your own mortality to sit and think about what things you want to do or accomplish in life?  Life is short and my list included some of the simplest things, nothing so grandiose that it could not be done. I haven’t checked everything off my list and there are things I can no longer do (like running a marathon because after cancer returned a third time, it took a toll on my breathing), but that’s ok.  My bucket list is forever revolving. It revolves around my health, my finances, and my family; it revolves around my kids and what I wish for them. Besides my selfish desires to get back in shape, travel to Europe, learn the guitar, etc, I also have the desire to be remembered and to leave a positive legacy for my kids. When I got the call that my cancer had returned a third time, I forgot about my list,  I don’t even know where it is anymore because I don’t need it. I know for a fact life can change in a second, with one phone call. Life is an adventure to be lived daily. Dreams, goals, bucket list, resolutions…whatever it is, what’s stopping you?  When I think of something I want to do now, I start on that path, sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Think, start, live!

Today I wear Stila Lip Glaze in Kaleidoscope a sparkly pink (which is part of a limited edition holiday set). Soft enough to wear on top of lipstick to add a hint of pink, I chose it because when you look in a Kaleidoscope, the shapes are everchanging, but still beautiful…just like your dreams!

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Nature vs. Nurture

8 Nov

I have had a crazy, stressful week this past week.  I eluded to a certain situation in my last blog and this week everything exploded and I was caught in the firestorm.  Everything revolved around a single person and their actions which finally caught up to them.  I’ve always wondered if bad choices really ever caught up to some people (because some seem to get away with a lot more than others), well now I know, sooner or later they do.  It was interesting watching everything unfold and because I’m always curious about people’s stories, I wondered what this person’s story was that made him who he was today.  It raises the question. ‘nature or nurture’?  Did God make us this way or did our environment create us into who we are today.  I say both.  One of my husband’s favorite phrases when he’s on a stubborn streak is, ” That’s how God made me and no one can change that.”  I believe that to an extent but I also believe that environment can soften and mold us.  I can only imagine the type of person he would’ve been had his parents not reigned him in. I believe we are all created with unique personalities and temperaments but I think our families, friends, and the environment we are raised in mold us too; and then of course, the different choices we make throughout our lifetime direct us one way or another.

People are funny and interesting and knowing people’s stories not only help you understand them more, but accept them and love them too.  I’m not saying that you have to accept their decisions or how they treat you, but it gives you a better handle on things in terms of ‘being the change’ for people (even if it means walking away).  I’m hoping this event may precipitate a change for the better but who knows.  I read a quote which says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced”-J. Baldwin.  I understand we need to face our challenges or challenging people head on whether change happens or not.  Maybe it’s just to plant the seed or to be a part of that ‘nurture’. We all have a voice and I’m so thankful after cancer that I still have mine.  We need to use it not only to spark change but to be a blessing to others.

This week I wear Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color in Crimson.  It’s a rich, deep, wine-red, color and the newest to my ever expanding collection.  It’s great for the holidays and red is always that reminder to for me to live life to the fullest…wear it like you mean it!

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Popularity

2 Nov

 

I was never very popular in school.  I wasn’t the prettiest or the most witty, no, I was the super shy, quiet, smart girl that sat in the middle of class; not in the front, not in the back.  I was not really invited to any parties and never really had a date until my senior year.  The only time my shyness was banished was when I sang.  Music stirred my heart, and my emotions were always transported through my voice.  I was not really depressed about not being part of the popular crowd because I was kind to everyone and had many friends because of that.  The flip side to that is that I was (and still am somewhat) a people pleaser.  Now, I have three kids, one of which is a teenager who just recently asked me about popularity.  He is the starting quarterback for the football team but he asked why it feels like all the trouble makers seem to be the popular kids.  I tried to do the ‘don’t worry about it be kind to others and be confident in yourself’ talk, but I remember feeling the same way.  It is so hard.

Recently, I’ve had to deal with a situation at work where I had to stand up to something that disturbed the status quo.  It has been very difficult for me.  I haven’t slept that well, and I’ve lost weight from the stress.  I realized that in my quest to ‘go along with things’ or to be popular, I have lost my own opinion and ‘gumption’.  For me, wanting to be popular equates to wanting to be liked by everyone and with my work situation, there are definitely people that will not be pleased in the end.  It is virtually impossible to please everyone and to be liked by everyone.  I told my son that more important than being popular is knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Popularity changes with each second of the clock so it’s critical to be true to yourself and stand on the foundation that God made everyone unique. I stepped forward at work and said something ,and even though I’m stressed about the decision, I know it was the right thing to do.  It’s a risk to be yourself, not caring whether your opinion is well liked or not, but it’s important.  Don’t lose your voice just to be liked or popular.  We were all created for a unique purpose and if we try to be like someone else, we lose a little. 

Today I wear Lancome’ Color Design lipstick in Curtain Call.  It is a sheer deep raspberry which looks amazing on my medium skintone, it’s great for the season.  Not only is it a great color, it’s got a great name.  This is your curtain call.  Wouldn’t it be great to come out as you?

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