Tag Archives: motherhood

Like a Child

7 Jun

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It’s been quite a week. You know when you’re so busy that you feel like if you stop moving your head will explode? It’s kinda been a week (or 2) like that. With all the high school senior activities (clap out, picnic, prom, awards night, and graduation) along with my youngest’s Freshman awards and all the other kids’ end of year activities it’s been non-stop. Add to that a small change in my job with additional training necessary and also trying to put feet on a dream I’ve had for years (more to come later on that topic), it’s  been A LOT! I have to say though that ALL these activities have made me exhausted but have also given me life. I LOVE my kids and I wouldn’t miss any of this for the world. Watching and helping my daughter navigate through all of these events has been great and again, bittersweet because I know she’s about to enter into another phase of life. On occasion at her events I would find myself wondering if I’d still be around for my son for his senior year to do all these things with him too (3 years from now). It stinks and it’s heartbreaking to think about but I can’t help it, that’s what cancer does to your thought life.

I listened to a TED talk the other day about wisdom and there was a young girl talking about how she thought that adults should really think a little more like children. Her 12 year old take on things was pretty impressive and it made me think about my teens/young adult kids. One of the most difficult thing about having teens/young adults for me is their attitude (and them driving of course). It’s laughable to me when they speak like they know it all and they’ve been through life’s traumas and they know better then you. I admit it takes a lot for me not to roll my eyes. I try to hold my tongue and not tell them ‘how life really is’ or say, ‘you’ll see’ but those words escape my mouth more times than not and if the words don’t, definitely my attitude does which then is followed by the ‘mom you’re so annoying’ which leaves me hurt and annoyed…it’s a cycle. After listening to this girl I thought about the different bible verses that talk about a childlike faith and it made me think about my kids. I don’t ever want to squelch their dreams and passions. They will experience life and all it’s joys and hardships without me preparing and telling them about it now. I try to keep my mouth shut a little more while simultaneously keeping my eyes in a stationary position and every now and then I let them be annoying and annoyed without letting it hurt my feelings too deeply (that’s the hard part).

So, are young kids wise? Nah. Does wisdom come with age and experience? img_0144-1Sure, but should we as adults sometimes be more like a child when living life? Absolutely.Our next door neighbor has 2 young children and they’re always playing in the yard. Here’s what I know, they play with reckless abandon. When it’s raining and muddy they’re barefoot in the nasty mud, they run down the small hill in the yard with no fear, and on occasion I catch them staring at some of the flowers like they’ve never seen anything so beautiful; they have fun in the simplicity and they notice the beauty. Adults think too much, we lose that sense of wonder somewhere along the line, and I think we lose a little of our authentic selves because we fear judgement and rejection. Kids still believe in the possibilities.  Because of cancer I now straddle between fear and wonder and it’s not so Annababybad. Living with cancer daily has given me fresh eyes and the intention to see the world and people with wonder again. Cancer and a more definitive timeline on life has opened my eyes to the beauty I’m surrounded by, has helped me not to take things so seriously, to play when I want to play, and in an awesome way to dream big and dive fearlessly into those dreams. Cancer has also allowed me to be more honest and real with people and frankly they’re more accepting of the honesty because who’s going to be mean to someone with cancer (hahaha, just kidding)? You know that line, ‘Quit acting so childish.’? Well maybe sometimes acting childish is a good place to be.

Today I wear Estee Lauder Pure Color Envy in Lacquer Lover. I’ve been a little obsessed with metallic lipcolor for whatever reason and this one fits the bill. I can’t describe the color and it looks nothing like the picture. All I can say is that these liquid lipsticks are moisturizing and this color is great for summer and I think it would look good on everyone! Cheers!

Daughter

31 May

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This is the last week of high school for my daughter, my second born. I have to say that this week came upon me so fast. It’s been a tough year with the cancer re-emergence and I have to admit I was (am) a bit distracted so the other night when it was Senior Award Night and she had to put her cap and gown on, I got really teary-eyed. The finality of her high school days was staring me in the face. Have you ever read things about middle children or the second child? I never believed it because all kids are different but that was another factor in my shock and awe experience when she put on her cap and gown for honors night. When my oldest was a senior I was on top of every date and parent volunteer opportunity; the breakfast, the sr. sunset movie, the walk out, senior picnic, awards, prom, etc., all events were listed properly in my calendar and all t-shirts for each event ordered before the deadline. With my daughter, well, there has been a morning or two this past week of sudden stress because of a forgotten event and/or lack of order/deadline of t-shirt for said event, I have missed writing down dates in my calendar and honestly have sticky notes and flyers all over my desk (and that includes flyers and forms for the other kids). So, as I stood there watching her zip up that cap and gown, my heart burst. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.’~Anne Frank

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There are so many things I want to say. Daughter, the day you were born your face was bruised because you were strong and you just wanted to push your way out into this world on your own terms. That same strength, drive, and strong will has pushed you to work hard in school and sports and has brought you to this point. I was beaming with pride as your name was called over and over for various awards at senior honors night but there is much more to life than those awards and thankfully, I know you know that. It sounds so cliche’ but you have grown into a beautiful, smart, and lovely young lady. I love your fresh faith and your growing sense of passion and purpose for the marginalized people of this world we live in. You are hope for the future and watching you grow has brought me so much joy. You graduating high school is bittersweet for me but I guess you can’t have the sweet without the bitter. When you leave for college I will miss your hugs, shopping and eating out with my favorite foodie, sitting on the couch, and simply your presence. Outside your bedroom door I have cried when you hurt, prayed for you, and felt your joy.  Life is full of surprises so always be pliable. You will love, you will hurt, people will disappoint you and sometimes you may even be angry at God. It’s ok. Always know that God’s love never changes and He’s always there. I will still cry with you, pray for you, and celebrate your joy even though your bedroom door will be miles away. Continue following your passions because God put them there and He will guide you. Always be grateful, stay curious, ask questions, and surround yourself with people that bring you joy. Letting go is not easy for me but I can’t wait to watch you fly. I love you baby girl. She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Lipstick today is Cherry Chapstick. It’s all I wore in college. Cheers to the Class of 2018!

 

 

I am a mom

11 May

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Mother’s day is around the corner and I am a mom. I am a mom with cancer. What does that mean on mother’s day for me? How have I changed?  This is hard to talk about. The first time I got cancer my kids were young and all I could think of was to fight for them. I have to say, what lessened the urgency or ‘scare’ from the word cancer for me was that I had thyroid cancer which I read about and was told even by my doctors that it was the easiest and best cancer to have because of the high cure rate. When things turned out a little more complicated after the first surgery I was scared and yes, I cried…a lot. My img_1886kids were only 5, 7, and 10 at the time and I wasn’t ready to leave them (are we ever ready to leave them?). I fought, I cried, I prayed, I survived and for the next 2 years cancer came back again twice but same thing, I fought, I cried, I prayed, and throughout those years and the surgeries, and the treatments, I tried to make their lives as normal as possible. I continued to work, I volunteered at their school, I brought cupcakes and donuts to their classes for their birthdays. I rarely missed anything.

Today, 10 years later, cancer is back and it decided to spread. My kids are older, facetune_01-04-2018-18-00-11one is in college, one is headed there next fall, and the youngest is in high school. I’m older, teens are more difficult, life is rarely quiet but I fight, I cry, I pray. Life is funny because there are always things you don’t want to miss. When the kids were younger and I got cancer all I wanted was more time to get them through high school. Now that they’re older I want to see them become adults, get married, maybe meet my grandkids, I want to see them fly and flourish and know that they’ll be ok.

I am a mom. Like all moms we have img_1634pieces of our hearts walking and breathing outside our bodies. We feel their hurts, we cry when they cry, we’re happy when they’re happy. We worry, we discipline, we direct, we pray, we love, we do the best we can. There are no perfect people or perfect moms but we can love and we can teach them to love. I am a mom with cancer. I may not meet the grandkids but I am planning to. I want to see them make good decisions but I can’t control them. I want them to know that my home is a safe place and that there is love waiting for them here. My love language is time and unfortunately with cancer time is what is threatened the most so that makes my heart hurt a little. Here’s the twist, they’re all older and preparing and wanting to launch so while I try to grasp tighter and grab more moments, they are at the age of friends and freedom, and adulthood, how’s that for crappy timing…but I guess there isn’t really a good time to get sick. So that’s what’s a little different with cancer. I hug a little longer, and grasp a little tighter even though they’re older and they grasp for freedom. I stare at them more because I want to notice and memorize and soak in every nuance of their faces. When they ask to grab coffee or a movie or dinner, I jump at the chance because it’s more time. I don’t get too wound up over dumb things and I let go of simple annoyances quickly because I mainly see things in ‘big picture’ now. I listen more intently and I constantly tell them how much I love them and I fight harder, I cry harder, and I pray harder. To all the moms, stepmoms, aunts, mother figures, teachers, mentors and the village helping raise our children, Happy Mother’s Day.

Maybe every year needs one day to live wide awake to celebrate that we get to call these people ours, that we get to be the one who gets seconds and minutes and hours and days and maybe even years to witness the wonder of them…We get the gift to love our people-and what if we don’t get the wonder of another? Maybe getting to love is getting the best gift of all.~Ann Voskamp

Today I wear MAC Liptensity Lipstick in Habanero. I was looking for something a little bright after my radiation treatment. I needed a little pick me up and this color did it! I love the texture of this lipstick formula and the color is awesome. Habanero is a bright orange/red and I love it. Like the name, this color is spicy and fun! Cheers!

The Great Unknown

26 Mar

I have something kind of big happening next month so my emotions are 50/50; half terrified and anxious, half optimistic. I am going through some tests to see if my tumors can still uptake radiation which if they can, the doctor has to measure exactly how much radiation my body can still tolerate vs. how much cancer I need to get rid of. If the two measurements work out I may be able to do radiation again and be done with cancer for awhile, if not I’m back to exactly where I am today, stable and waiting for treatment (which is not a terrible place to be). The problem is that I’ve already had radiation twice, once with a high dose I-131 which I drank and took internally the first time I had cancer, and the other via external beam the third time with cancer. Because of this, the doctor has to  make an exact calculation of a tolerable amount for me or there are not so pleasant side effects (radiation induced secondary cancer). Lots to think about yet really nothing to think about because I just have to go do it and that’s that. There’s a bit of prep work going into the test prior to the radiation that may or may not work. First, they changed my medication last week, a hard switch, so my body is freaking out right now and second, I have to be on a special diet and have no medication a couple weeks before this radiation testing happens, which means I’ll be beyond exhausted.

I confess, I’m a hot mess thinking about all this craziness, not to mention I’m already exhausted and I can’t imagine how much more tired and achy I’ll be 3 weeks from now. I am really trying to process all this and am going through phases of angry and sad that amidst family things, Spring Break plans, Easter, and trying to prepare my daughter to launch in this last half of her senior year, I have to think about cancer, radiation, and CT scans. It all really stinks but I’m reminded God is still in control. Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God’~Corrie TenBoom

It’s springtime in Michigan and although it has still been a bit chilly the sun has been out for several days in a row (always a bonus). With the stress of the upcoming tests I have forgotten my daily exercise of stopping and acknowledging things I’m grateful for daily. It’s amazing how quickly perspective, mood, stress can change with the simple act of breathing and taking a moment to remember all your blessings. I have so much to be thankful for…ahhhhhh.  I heard someone call this weird in between stage ‘purgatory’, there was a life before cancer, then there’s the vision of the end because of the diagnosis, but mostly there’s the great in-between; between scans, between treatments, between inhaling and exhaling. Truly our responsibility is the same in all these stages, to love God and to love others and I’m adding this one…to leave space for people to love on you too. It’s spring and one of our bushes is already showing new buds. I read an awesome quote which said, ‘Spring is evidence that the God that breathed the world into existence is still breathing.’~Barbara Brown Taylor  God is still breathing, don’t miss the magic.

Today I wear Bare Minerals Gen Nude Buttercream Lip Gloss in Snarky which is rose with gold sparkle. These are super moisturizing and glossy but only have a little bit of color. I like the consistency because they’re not sticky. I chose this color because it’s an easy color to wear and the gold flecks are just enough pop. I also love the name because it’s kind of been my mood lately. Cheers!

Stable, but…

30 Jan

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Stable again! My cancer is still stable! I have to say I am starting to love that word because well, I have to. What does it even mean? It has been such an interesting and emotional ride and just as quickly as the mood swings up it can easily make it’s way back down. Cancer just sucks. I read a blog written by another cancer warrior last week and it. was. perfect. It perfectly described how I’ve been feeling and I have used this analogy with a number of people already. The writer described her cancer as a bomb strapped to her chest not knowing when it was actually going to blow and that is pretty much how I feel. Categorized as stable is exactly that, still with cancer, but with stable and slow growth; practically speaking the tumors have grown less than 20% since the previous scan. I guess this is the goal if you are living with cancer so I try to be really happy about it. Going back to the bomb analogy and combining it with statistics for my particular ‘brand’ of cancer it goes something like this…in 5 years, 50% of the bombs will have exploded and in 10 years, 9 of 10 bombs will have exploded. Barring all scientific advances, that’s a little rough to think about and that is what keeps my heart heavy and my mind focused on time. The other side of the coin is this, science is advancing faster than the doctors can keep up with so it seems statistics change on an almost daily basis, hallelujah! For now, my mind wrestles with the bomb strapped to my chest not knowing when it will go off but every ‘stable’ buys me more time.

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photo cred: kensington church

I am part of a small, closed Facebook support group of people with the same cancer (both type and stage) as me. Since metastatic thyroid cancer is a little more rare it was nice to find a place with resources and people just like me. Today I heard that one of the moderators passed away rather quickly after he took a bad turn just after the new year. His posts were some of my favorite because he brought both quirky and lighthearted comments along with scientific articles. He posted after the new year and said he made it to where the doctors said he would but if he got to 2019 then he would beat that deadline. Yesterday he posted from his hospital bed that things were not good and today he’s gone. Boom. Sad. So just as quickly after rejoicing my stable scan I’m reminded that I still carry that bomb. It has definitely helped keeping my journal of positive moments and points of gratitude daily. It refocuses my mind and reminds me that we all just have today. Most if not all the moments and things I’m grateful for revolve around the people I’m surrounded by. Joy is still my word this year and I am pressing through; moment by moment seeking out things that bring a smile to my face and trying to surround myself with people that bring me joy, love , and lots of laughter. I am finally chasing old dreams and goals too which has been a fun and interesting journey! ‘The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.’ ~Thomas Paine
Stable is great! I will continue to smile, grow strong, and grow brave!

Today I wear Stila Color Balm Lipstick in Elyssa. I do love these lipsticks because they feel like a lip balm and have a peppermint taste and smell while also having great color. I chose Elyssa which is a deep brown berry because it looks fairly dark on me but still has the lightness of berry (so it’s not like I’m wearing black lipstick). It kind of describes my mood at times..kinda dark (because of that stupid bomb), but the brightness is still there shining through. Cheers!

Chasing Joy

30 Dec

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What a week. For Christmas we hosted almost 30 people, had 2 dogs (plus my own), a puppy, and a cat. Not super unusual for a large family gathering but most of those people and all of the animals also stayed at my house for 3 or 4 days. As annoying and chaotic as that sounds, it was a blast…and this is coming from an introvert! There was so much joy and laughter in my house that for the first time since my cancer’s return I forgot about it. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried and this was a regular occurrence over the long Christmas weekend. Did you catch what I said? The overabundance of joy and laughter made me actually forget I had cancer.

This is the last week of 2017 and boy has it been one freaking great year. Looking back I see mostly happy times surrounded by people I love and have tried to focus (as much as possible) on doing things I enjoy and spending time with people I care about. My focus of course dramatically heightened this past July when I found out I had cancer again. I saw a post on instagram that asked the question, ‘How have you changed or grown in 2017?’ It’s a great question and one I think we should all reflect on as we look forward to a new year. For me, the biggest area of growth was my voice which I had lost some time ago (figuratively of course and for reasons I’ve never written about). I am an introvert, people-pleaser which makes it tough to say ‘no’ and also tough to express your needs (easy target for people to take advantage of). 2017 gave me my voice and my power back…well, I’m still working on it but it’s been transformational. Also, I have become more laser focused on certain goals thanks to age and probably cancer. At the beginning of 2017 I chose the word ‘joy’ as my word for the year, recurrence of cancer has challenged that a bit for me but after this past weekend I know it’s still bubbling inside of me so for 2018 ‘joy’ is my word again.

‘When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us?’~Ann Voskamp

This year, I will be chasing it. The moments I forgot about the cancer were monumental for me and I know there are so many possibilities out there for those crazy joy moments. Life is hard, teens are hard, work is hard, but what was it about those moments that made me forget? Telling stories, laughing, being myself and at ease with people I love, that’s one. What else? That’s my pursuit for 2018.

And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them, now in the Elven-tongue, now in the speech of the West, until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.’~J.R.R. Tolkien

Joy like swords. Today there’s no lipstick. I img_1055bought a mascara from a great cosmetic company called Thrive, visit their website and read what they’re about. Anyhow, with my recent purchase which I just received yesterday, they sent a makeup bag (gift with purchase for holidays) which was perfect. Joy is the best make up! Happy New Year, cheers!

Grateful?

25 Nov

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How do you stay grateful when you are living with Stage 4 cancer? It’s an interesting conundrum and it’s not that easy. I’ve read a few blogs on how people are grateful they got cancer…umm, no. My mind is tossed between living each day as if it’s your last yet being a little stuck in a place with many responsibilities. There are (many) days that I wish I could quit my job and conquer, or at least try,  to do all the things I wish I could have done or have wanted to do or to just be there for each of my kids following them around, holding their hands and hugging them (I’m sure they’d all love that, haha). Unfortunately since I am not independently wealthy I have to modify…a lot, and sometimes it gets sad for me because there are so many things I want to do with the time I have left whether it’s a little or a lot. Time is a funny thing. I was grateful to read this from author Ann Voskamp this week, ‘You have only one decision every day: how will you use your time? Sometimes the best use of your time is to stand and listen to a clock. We’re all terminal-and we all just want a number. What size is this bucket of time? How many days will I actually get? The hands of the clock are bound by the decisions of our hands.’ Day to day, minute by minute we decide. Yes we have to work and earn a living, but in that space of time is there something or someone to be grateful for? We have today. Can we be that something or someone for another person? Contentment stems from gratefulness, being grateful leads to joy and joy can change the world.

For this Thanksgiving weekend I’m not thankful to have cancer again but God has been so good through it all. Lately I have to say my heart’s been hurting a little because the days fly by so quickly and I feel like time’s just slipping away. ‘Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desperate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching.’~Joni Eareckson Tada. I know I have to focus on gratitude for what God’s done through the cancer because it’s what gives me hope and I have to say that many of the things I’m grateful for today are because cancer has opened my eyes to them. I’m grateful that from the constant and consistent prayers of family, friends, and even strangers I have experienced the peace that passes all understanding. ‘Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.’~Phil 4:7, MSG.  I’m grateful for the people I am surrounded by who lift me up and encourage me and for the strength to let go of toxic relationships and focus on life giving ones. I am grateful that I have found a love that brings me joy and lots of laughter. I’m grateful that having cancer helps me focus on what’s truly important and therefore helps me more readily release the stupid things that stress me out. Through any adversity there is opportunity to grow in faith and in character if you see it that way and I am grateful that I have peace and joy and that my faith and dependence on God grows stronger because I have no control over circumstances. I am incredibly grateful that I have a God that I trust who offers me hope for not just me, but for my family; He knows my joys and my heartbreak and I know He hears my prayers and loves me. Whatever happens in the future, He’s got this and that is the greatest reason for gratitude.

Today I wear Fenty Beauty Gloss Bomb Universal Lip Luminizer. Of course I had to try something from the popular new Fenty Beauty by Rihanna brand and of course it had to be a lip product. I chose this because she literally only has this one gloss which is supposed to look great on all skin tones, well, it does. It is called Fenty Glow and it is a soft rosy gold color, great shine, great moisture, great color, and yes, universal. Gratitude looks great on everyone. Cheers!

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