Tag Archives: thyroid

Transparent

22 Jul

End of week two in training.  It’s interesting what happens after two weeks in a high stress environment.  Week one, everyone is on their game putting up a front, majorly competitive, and of course, trying to mark their territory.  Now, after week two, everyone’ s tired, stressed, and just plain overly exhausted.  It’s great because everyone’s walls are slowly being chipped away, people are FINALLY letting down their guard and the atmosphere has totally changed in the room.  It has become much more comfortable and supportive. 

It’s amazing once again what happens when people let their guard down and let other people ‘in’.  Now, we are in this game together and now we are learning each others stories which is great.  I love hearing about people’s backgrounds and experiences because it helps to explain why the way they are today (and that goes for the irritating people too).  Ahh yes, another lesson.   If people had no walls and were just themselves, I believe the world would be a better place.  I’m not saying not to have a filter, but if we came into relationships with no expectations, not trying to mark our territory and look better than the other person, what would it be like?  Maybe we should try it, I know I have been because it is such a waste of time and energy to keep up.  For me at this point, again living with cancer, what you see is what you get.  Transparency is a beautiful thing.

Today I wear CO Bigelow Sheer Liptint in Just Blushed.  It has a sheer pink tint and tastes like peppermint.  I chose it mainly for the name although I do love the consistency and color.  Just blushed…because when you’re yourself, it’s easy to see your inner beautiful glow.

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Only Human

14 Jul

For the past week I have been in training for my new job.  There are around 20 of us (complete strangers) in a single room for almost 10 hours a day.  I also was assigned a roomate for the duration of training.  We are all different ages, different stages of life, from different parts of the country with different backgrounds and different reasons as to why we took the job.  I love observing people and behaviors.  What I’m curious about is what drives people.  Of course, we have the outspoken crew and the super competitive, the people who talk to be heard and the wallflowers.  What I found out about me is that since having cancer, I have less tolerance for the people who believe they are above everyone else and that they’re opinion is somehow the only opinion that matters. 

We are all people who are in this journey of life together.  Why do we waste time making automatic judgements and acting superior?  I really don’t get it but as The Green Lantern says from the movie “We’re only human.”  It’s not worth the trouble trying to pretend to be something you’re not, because it doesn’t work and it’s exhausting.  We ARE only human and we ALL have our flaws and insecurities, let’s praise what we are given and seriously enjoy every moment.  Life is too short. 

Today I wear Carmex lip balm because today I am just me.

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Un-Birthday

7 Jul

This weekend my daughter will be in a musical production of Alice in Wonderland Jr.  She plays a few different roles but one of her roles is a ‘Un-birthday’ girl.  Of course I had to ask what that was.  She said that everyone has one birthday and 364 un-birthdays.  In Wonderland they celebrate un-birthdays and are going to have a big party.  How great is that????  Why can’t we celebrate every single day?  From my past post you may recall how much I love birthdays and how meaningful (especially having cancer), they are to me, but why can’t mine and your un-birthdays be just as meaningful?

You know this past week I found out my cancer is back for the fourth time.  Well, I’m done crying.  I have decided that I must live one day at a time and trust God.  Right now, there are no decisions to be made. The doctors will watch and see if what was detected stays the same or grows over the next few months.  From this point on I must celebrate every single day and live life to the fullest…every un-birthday!  Think about it, why hold back a celebration of life? Each day is new and a chance to be blessed as well as to bless others.  We don’t get do-overs (well, maybe some of you do) so move forward, press on, and don’t look back!

Today, I am wearing Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in Flash (sorry, limited color).  It is a gorgeous hot pink lipgloss with a little bit of silver sparkle.  To me it is the best color for today’s un-birthday, a little hot pink to celebrate life!  Now, who wants the first piece of cake?

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The Story Continues…

4 Jul

Some of you already know the results of my latest PET scan (my last blog entry), for those who don’t, yes, there was cancer detected.  I found out last Friday afternoon and for the past few days I’ve been trying to process how I feel.  I cried a lot mainly because my mind wanted to hear the words “All clear, see you next year.”  Instead I heard, “There’s something there that’s not big enough to be detected by ultrasound so we will look again in 2-3 months to see if it’s grown.”  This has been one long and difficult road but I think I’m done crying.  I’m not angry, my heart is mostly sad; sad for my family (which by the way, my daughter and younger son were standing right next to me when I got the news and when I got off the phone my daughter said, “all clean right?”  When I said “not exactly”, her face and demeanor changed immediately…sad); sad for my parents who also have been waiting for good news for almost four years now, just sad in general.

On the other hand, I am done crying because I am 100% confident that God has a plan that’s perfect for my family and me whether it’s the plan I want or not.  I have to move forward in faith because that is the only sure thing.  I am broken right now.  I don’t feel courageous or strong so I’m thankful for all the support and prayers, but I know I’ll get that back.  For now, I move forward on this journey that God has me on, confident that He will take care of me.

Today I wear Smashbox Photofinish  Lipstick in Marvelous. On me, it is a beautiful sheer red.  I wear it because life is a marvelous adventure, and of course red to continue living life boldly.

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No Fear

29 Jun

Here I am again in the PET scan room (written at 6:30am), waiting the 2 hours until the contrast they injected me with makes its way through my body so they can detect any cancer cells floating around.  Am I afraid? Of course.  Not so much for the test. this is probably my 10th or 11th scan in three years so I’m used to lying still with metal hovering just inches over my face and body.  No, I’m always scared to hear the results (they haven’t exactly been positive most of the time).  I also am seeing my laryngologist this week and that scares me too.  Mostly because I don’t really want to know how close or non-functional my vocal cords are.

After cancer, I don’t really trust my body.  Before each diagnosis, I have felt great (minus an occasional sore throat).  I would love to rejoice each time I get clean results or good news, but even when/if I do I am hesitant and suspicious.  Will I ever get that trust back?  I doubt it.  Will I let it control me and take away my joy?  I won’t let it.  Yes, I believe the fear of cancer coming back will always be there, but even if I don’t trust my body, I will always trust in God who created it and has a perfect plan for me.

All of us have our hesitations and fears but there are many things we cannot control.  happiness is based on our outside circumstances but joy comes from within, from trusting our Creator has a plan although it may be different from ours.  Fear is ok but don’t give it the power to control you and rob your joy.  Life is for the living!

I’m not wearing any metal for my PET scan, but one thing I am wearing is Bobbi Brown Treatment Lipshine in Rosy .  It’s a gorgeous warm pinky brown color that looks great on ALL skintones, not quite a full on lipstick, but also not quite just a lip gloss.  One thing I’ve learned is to live for today and today I choose to have a Rosy outlook on life!

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No Excuses

22 Jun

The other day I was in line at DSW (for those not familiar, it is a huge designer shoe warehouse).  I was the only one in line standing behind the big sign that said ‘Form Line Here’.  The sign stood about 5 feet away from the line of registers.  As the customer in front of me was finishing up and I was getting ready to step forward, a man literally ran up from I don’t know where buying three pairs of shoes and stepped up to the cash register.  The cashier started ringing him up thinking he was next in line.  Hello?  Did I look like a mannequin holding up the sign?  The store wasn’t even that busy at the time and I was literally the ONLY ONE STANDING THERE with one pair of shoes!  First, I wanted to yell at him and to physically push him out of the way.  Second, I wanted to explain to him the rules of the game, how inconsiderate he was, and then tell him my story and everything I’ve been through to still be around to buy one pair of shoes.  But no, I stood there and smiled awaiting my lost turn in line.

This got me thinking, I was using my cancer as an excuse for better treatment, a disability so to speak.  I wanted him to know that sure, maybe he was in a hurry, but excuse me, I’ve had cancer.  Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing?  I don’t want cancer to define me; it is simply a part of my story.  When most people look at me they don’t even know.  I want to be the person that I am today because of what the cancer has taught me; stronger, bolder, more understanding of people because of their story.  Maybe he didn’t see the sign, maybe he’s from out of town, maybe it was his first trip to DSW and didn’t know the ‘line rules’.  Whatever it was, I was not in a hurry so waiting 5 extra minutes didn’t really matter to me.  Despite being discouraged, I was able to take a step back and wonder about him and wow, the story I made up in my mind about him made me laugh out loud.

Anyway, we all have insecurities, ‘disabilities’, things which happened in our past or words that were spoken to us that have made us who we are.  Sometimes we like to use them as excuses, the ‘if you only knew what I’ve been through…’Well, it’s time to get your MOJO back. Don’t allow those things to define you.  Every day is a new day and a new chance to be the difference.

Today I wear I wear Revlon Coffee Bean lipstick which is a beautiful medium brown with a tiny bit of pink undertone.  It also has a little bit of shimmer.  I chose this color because of the name.  Coffee to give yourself a jolt of life, no excuses!

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Like Father, Like Daughter

17 Jun

Me and my dad

People have always asked me where I got my love for music and my musical ability.  Although I have many musically inclined relatives, I have to say that most of my passion for music came from my dad.  Growing up, we had the turntable stereo with the 4 ft. speakers on each side in our family room.  At least a few times a week my dad would blast a symphony playing classical music and pretend to be the conductor.  I would watch in awe as he conducted Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, and even John Philip Sousa.  He would also continually play singers like Nat King Cole, Johnny Mathis, Tony Bennett and sing along with them.  My dad was and is always singing; sometimes instead of replying to a question with words, he replies with a tune.  I learned later on that he played the trombone in the college marching band and was also in a band playing the harmonica.

My dad and I are a lot a like.  We are both quiet and laid back and sometimes have difficulty expressing our feelings; I think that’s where the music comes in.  When we find it hard to express ourselves, there’s music that can do it for us.  My dad was stern and strict growing up and I’ve only seen him tear up a few times.  Every Christmas, he would play Filipino carols and tear up because of the family and friends he missed in the Philippines.  That’s what I mean, emotion through music.  Now for me, music runs deep, it affects my heart and I can literally feel each note and word of a song.  I thank my dad for this love and expression.  He has taught me many things and even though he’s a man of few words I understand him.

Happy Father’s Day Dad, I Love You!

For Dad’s day I wear Estee Lauder Pure Color Gloss in Rock Candy.  It’s a gorgeous soft baby pink lipgloss with diamond shimmer throughout, great for any skintone!  I wear it because the pink reminds me of my childhood and the bling reminds me of the musical showman my dad truly is!

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Lost and Found

12 Jun

There are certain things I have lost and that I miss because of my cancer and all the complications associated with it.  I miss running, dancing, swimming, and even riding a bike with my kids without having any breathing difficulty.  I miss some of my taste buds, so now, something has to be very sweet, very spicy, or very sour for me to taste.  I miss being warm on a warm day because my thyroid is no longer there to help control my internal temperature.  I miss having a sore throat and not having to wonder if the cancer is back once again.  I miss coughing without having people try to stay away from me because it’s so loud and uncontrolled or having my kids worry about me from the sound of the cough.  I miss being able to talk all day and sing whatever I want with ease all night and still have a voice with no sore throat.  I miss sleeping on my left side because I am a side sleeper, but now when I sleep on my left I choke and cough because of all the scar tissue on that side.  I miss my right vocal chord which if it were still functioning, I could talk better, sing better, and breathe better.

On the other hand, I have found many beautiful things.  I have found a deeper understanding of me and the world around me.  I have found a new love for people, their histories, and their stories.  I have found people that truly care and deeper friendships.  I have found a greater appreciation of time and a greater passion for life and every moment.  I have found a deeper faith in God and inner strength I never even knew I had.  I have found a new and strong voice in my writing.  In the end, I have found courage.

So no, cancer did not take away from me, it gave my heart more life.  For this I wear Christian Dior #773, Rouge Podium.  It’s a color that’s hard to describe…pink/orange/red?  It’s not as bright as it sounds.  It’s the first lipstick my husband has ever complimented me on (and he hates bright lipstick).  He says it brightens up my face and reminds him of a summer day.  That’s why I wear it, for sunnier days ahead!

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Old and New

5 Jun

A few days ago I met a beautiful woman, Michele, who happens to be a jewelry artisan.  She creates beautiful and unique pieces using natural stone, silver, and buttons!  She is a true artist that puts a lot of love into her pieces.  We actually met through Facebook where she posted some of her pieces on a wall of a friend of mine (gotta love technology).  Anyhow, through her research she discovered the ancient relationship between the healing properties of Lapis and thyroid cancer and she created an incredible choker for me (pictured above).  It fit perfectly, laid exactly over my scar, and she added a songbird atop a heart with wings because she knew I was a singer.  It was an incredible gift which left me speechless, emotional, and most of all grateful.  Michele is a new friend I have met because of cancer.

I have friends who have known me before cancer and now, I have friends who only know me because of the cancer.  I wonder if I am different to these two sets of friends.  I know that I am not the same person I used to be.  It is my ‘new normal’.  I see things differently, I feel things differently, and there are things I’m less tolerant of because life is too short.  I wonder if my old friends can see that because that is the only person my new friends have known. We are all continuously changing into the people God created us to be, but cancer and mortality have opened my eyes a little sooner.  Everyone is unique and is molded by their history.  It’s so fun listening to their stories and as I sat with Michele and listened to her story and how cancer has affected her life I knew that this was no ‘chance’ meeting.  I love all of my friends and I am so thankful that God brought every single person into my life at exactly the right time. 

Today’s lipstick is Iced Amethyst by Revlon!  It’s kind of a purply-silver.  Don’t let the color scare you because it actually goes on soft.  It highlights a natural plum lip color (like mine) and adds a little sheen.  Like my friends, old and new, they highlight my life and are just ‘icing on the cake’!

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I Love Birthdays

31 May

Survivor Lap

Last weekend I was able to walk and sing at my first Relay For Life event and it was an amazing experience.  The survivors were given purple shirts which read ‘Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back.’  What a great mantra because that is what we were all there to do.  There were so many survivors, all different ages, colors, genders, cancer knows no bounds. During my trip around the track in the Survivor Lap, I was overwhelmed with joy at the fact that my fight is currently over and I have won.  I couldn’t keep a smile off my face.  At one point my mom (who walked the lap with me along with my family) turned around and said, ‘I want to cry’.  I was walking with fighters; people given no choice but to stand up and fight for their lives.  We are told we are strong when in fact, we rise up and do what we need to do.  The sign that impacted me the most in that lap was one that read ‘I love birthdays.’  I was overcome with emotion and just couldn’t stop the tears. The thing is, is that I have always loved birthdays.  As a child, even though I didn’t have many birthday parties, my parents made me feel like the most important person on that day.  It was a celebration of me.  After cancer, birthdays are all the more important.  The first surgeon said my diagnosis was poor and wasn’t sure how much time I had left, and with the cancer continually coming back I wasn’t so sure myself.  Every birthday since that diagnosis has been a milestone for me.  I tear up every year at the significance of a birthday.  It has also been a time to reflect on the past year and its events.  After the survivor lap I was asked to sing which was overwhelming.  I made it through ‘Over the Rainbow’ and as the crowd of survivors, walkers, and supporters, all people touched by cancer, applauded, I wept.  I was told I would never sing again and here I was.

Me and Audrey (with her red painted hair)

Me and Audrey (with her red painted hair)

 

singing

singing

Something fun that I did this week was to go on my second lipstick consultation trip.  I shopped with a friend to help her find her perfect shade for this season.  It turned out to be a new Armani long wear lipgloss in Plum.  It’s a light plum gloss with great consistency and not too much shimmer…I bought one too!  That will be my color this week…light plum; highlighting your natural self and adding a little bling, enough said!

I love birthdays!

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